troubled diva

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Thursday, April 10, 2003

Kick over the statues.

"It's not a football match, and it's pretty sick cheering and waving your red or blue scarves while the pitch is littered with corpses."

- noodle vague, The World Backwards.

I've been in a decidedly Minor Key mood about the events of the last couple of days, and about the Major Key sound/fury/cod-symbolism which has surrounded them, and alienated me. Endgame? Victory? Vindication? I can't even begin to engage with concepts like these. All I can see is obscene mess. There was a young woman on the front cover of the Daily Star today wearing a Union Jack bikini, alongside the headline WE WON THE WAR. Yes, alienated pretty much sums it up for me right now.

Anyway. I'm off to Dorset for a few days. Back on Sunday.

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Match the Intro - final results.

You lot never cease to amaze me.

Every time I think I've come up with the barmiest idea yet - one which I'm certain will flop dead in the water - your response saves the day. And this quiz is a case in point. I honestly thought that no-one would take the trouble. Instead, I ended up with nine entries. Nine!

But before we get onto the winners, here are the correct answers.

Day 1:
1 justin timberlake: like i love you (deep dish zigzag remix)
10 missy elliott: 4 my people (basement jaxx remix vocal mix)
17 soft cell: the night (almighty mix)
20 sex pistols: god save the queen (neil barnes 2002 remix)

Day 2:
3 dj sneak featuring bear who? - fix my sink (original club mix)
7 the streets - weak become heroes (ashley beedle's lovebug vocal)
8 faithless featuring dido - one step too far (rollo & sister bliss mix)
15 sugababes - stronger (almighty mix)

Day 3:
4 justin timberlake - cry me a river (dirty vegas vocal mix)
9 angie stone - wish i didn't miss you (hex hector & max quayle mixshow)
11 layo & bushwacka! - love story (vs finally)
12 daniel bedingfield - if you're not the one (remix)

Day 4:
6 narcotic thrust - safe from harm
13 sophie ellis bextor - get over you (almighty mix)
14 destiny's child - survivor (victor calderone club mix)
16 underworld - two months off

No valid matches (the spares):
2 the streets - weak become heroes (royksopp's memory lane mix)
5 sugababes - angels with dirty faces (audio drive remix)
18 lou - let's get happy (vila & gant trance mix)
19 h & claire - all out of love (almighty mix)

So, how did people do?
Presumably, everybody just took pot luck...right?
Prepare to be amazed.

Winner:

Luca of Bitful, with 17 points out of a possible 16. Not content with getting every single answer correct, Luca even managed to identify the H & Claire track into the bargain. Astonishing stuff, and richly deserving of the mug and the mousemat.

Second place:

Amanda, with 15 points out of 16. Either a mug or a mousemat will now be winging its way to Australia. Your choice, Amanda.

The others:

Hedgerow - 14 points.
Douglas - 10 points.
David of Swish Cottage - 9 points.
Asta - 8 points.
Todd of toddski.net - 4 points.
Blue Witch - 3 points. BW was one of two "pot luck" entrants, along with...
Cathy of bent back tulips, who came up with an elaborate - but, it has to be said, spectacularly unsuccessful - scheme involving multiple coin flips and random pen dabs.

My thanks to all who participated. You are all winners. Only not in the literal sense.

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Carnet Parisien.

1. Look, I want the dubious delights of arseholes-in-the-sky Business Class. I want to strut self-importantly round the Business Lounge at East Midlands airport, snaffling complimentary peanuts and barking into my mobile. It goes with the territory. I accept it; I embrace it. I am ready and waiting to be anointed into the ranks of Euro-Jetset-Business-Trash. So don't palm me off with f***ing cheap-n-cheerful bmibaby, OK? Where you have to flail your arms about desperately in order to have a stewardess in a sweatshirt (I ask you, a sweatshirt) charge you �1.50 for an "instant cappucino" with lumps of dried powder still floating about on top of it. No, no, this won't do at all.

2. I must be more naive than I thought. So many children at the airport, off on holiday with their parents a week before the end of term, simply in order to get the cheap deals. These children should have been in school. What sort of parent would do such a thing? Apparently, this is common practice. I never knew; I was genuinely shocked.

3. The first sign that French offices are different from British offices: people smoking in the corridors. Actually, people smoking almost everywhere. Evidence for the comparative lack of stigma attached to the habit: the health warnings on the fag packets. British packets: massive scary warnings in the largest typeface possible. GO ON DIE THEN YOU SICK F***ERS! French packets: discreet little if-I-might-be-so-bold hints, in the tiniest typeface possible. Pour etre en bonne santé, ne fumez pas. Polite form of "vous" and everything. I'm only surprised they didn't add s'il vous plait.

4. Second big difference: French office workers have the best manners. Everybody shakes hands, all the time. Strangers wander into the office: everybody gets up, shakes hands, exchanges cordial pleasantries. At my previous job, it took three months before anyone would even speak to me.

5. Third big difference: lunch. French office workers still respect the sanctity of the lunch hour. None of this "wolfing a sandwich down at your desk in 30 seconds flat" nonsense. Both the canteens I visited served properly prepared hot meals, with a wide array of choices. (I had cuisses de grenouilles - that's yer actual frogs' legs. Never had them before, and very delicious they were too. Bloody fiddly to eat though - all those little bones - but delicious all the same.) Proper hors d'oeuvres as well...and proper desserts...and even bottles of wine, if you please. Booze and fags in the staff canteen - imagine! In one canteen, you could also repair to a separate "cafeteria" area after your meal, for proper coffee and more cigarettes. Oh, it was just so, so civilised.

6. Not everything was different, though. The same old corporate mission-statement wankspeak bollocks was still pinned up around all the offices. Not a uniquely British disease after all, then. It might have been in French, but I could still spot it in an instant. The same thing went for the grisly Pravda-style "everything is fantastic" in-house glossy periodicals. "Encore une triomphe pour notre equipe de marketing internationale!" Well, maybe not in those exact words, but you get the general drift...

7. Next time I go over to Paris, I'll be flying out on the night before. Because getting up at 5:30 to get to the airport did not sit well with me at all. In fact, by the second day I was suffering from full-on jet lag. Which is no good when you're trying to concentrate and make a good impression. To this end, keeping myself alert by repeatedly jabbing biros into my palms proved to be a less than satisfactory coping strategy.

8. I need to learn how to avoid automatically subordinating myself to other people in semi-formal situations (be they professional or social). It benefits nobody, and it only makes me look like an arse.

9. The expected Snotty Parisian Attitude never materialised. Not anywhere. Instead, everybody was uncommonly polite and charming: hotels, cafes, bars, taxis, the lot. Maybe this was partially because we were well away from any of the obvious tourist haunts. Or maybe that Snotty Parisian Attitude isn't quite as prevalent as people seem to think.

10. All things considered, I think I might get to quite like this Travelling Round Europe On Business lark (if it indeed does materialise). At any rate, this was a good start.

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The Troubled Diva "I'm dead fickle, me" BlogBuzz Chart.

Disclaimer: This isn't an entirely original idea, as Kyle @ Intersection has been maintaining a weekly "Top Ten Blogs" chart for many a month. So how does this one differ?

Firstly: it's unlikely to become a regular event (although you never know).

Secondly: whereas Kyle's chart tracks the progress of his out-and-out favourites, this is merely a list of sites which I think are particularly hot right now, or which I have recently discovered and am enjoying getting to know. Which means that most of my perennial favourites aren't mentioned at all. Thus, if I were to compile another list in a couple of weeks' time, then it would probably be completely different.

The list is also heavily slanted towards gay male bloggers - which I found both surprising and very slightly disappointing. But let's not spoil the fun by over-analysing, shall we?

The Troubled Diva BlogBuzz Chart, April 10 2003.

1. It's OK, it's just your mind (a.k.a. Popdizzy)
The other Nottingham Poof What Blogs, Nixon's site has leapt from strength to strength and is now riding at an all-time high. I particularly like the dry, sardonic wit, the boundary-pushing sense of unpredictability, and - but of course! - the quality of the writing. Bad grammar, my arse. Extra points for not being ashamed to openly lust after Leonard Cohen.

2. Invisible Stranger
I knew this guy would be a natural. An absolute charmer of a blog, with a particularly strong retrospective piece on the old Piano Bar on Brewer Street in Soho. I never went, but now I almost feel as if I had.

3. London Mark
Currently riding high on the strength of the excellent "Walking with Mark" autobiographical series. I am now repeatedly kicking myself for turning Mark down as one of last month's guest bloggers. Ooch! Ouch! Yaroo!

4. Not you, the other one
Last month, Sarah made a solemn pledge that until Our Boys are out of Iraq, she would write about nothing but beer on her site. Result: possibly the world's first Beer Blog. As Sarah works behind a bar herself, there is no shortage of material for this. I particularly like the Handy Hints For The British Beer Drinker.

5. Diamond Geezer
A blog which has steadily risen through the ranks: from Promising Newcomer, to Occasional Pleasure, to Regular Favourite, to Daily Delight. Inventively humourous, with a gentle, steady touch and a universal appeal, this blog also shares some of my own obsessions. Counting things! Lists! Music trivia! Yes please!

6. little.red.boat
With a deceptively simple writing style which regularly reduces me to laugh-out-loud hysterics, Anna's site is nothing short of a National Treasure. Although "reduces" is quite the wrong word, now I think about it. "Elevates" would be better, I think.

7. My Boyfriend Is A Twat
Another new-ish weblog which has slowly sunk its claws into me over the weeks. Wickedly abrasive and acutely well-observed, with a distinctive style all of its own. Great blogroll too, which has led me to some interesting new places.

8. Trash Addict
I've been under-valuing this site for far too long - which makes no sense at all, as its pleasingly skewed cultural perspective is actually right up my street. Penned by a certain Lubin Odana, who in a former incarnation, unless I'm very much mistaken...no, enough.

9. Philo Hagen
The "West Coast" half of the celebrated East/West partnership breaks out on his own for the first time, returning to a more traditional "blog" style as he does so. Meanwhile, the writing remains as fine as ever.

10. Do You Feel Loved?
Having met Chris in the flesh a couple of weeks ago, I have now started playing catch-up with his site, and am enjoying making its acquaintance.

And bubbling under the Top Ten, we have, in alphabetical order:

Low Culture
More clever, detailed musings on trashy pop culture by people who should by rights be "above" this sort of thing. Oh, how I relate. Simply put: if you like Popjustice, then chances are that you'll like Low Culture as well.

Raised by Chaffinches
Off-the-wall hit-and-run daftness from someone called Birdman. This pleases me.

Zbornak
I'd like to say "promising newcomer" again - but really, just how patronising does that sound? The zany voice of Milton Keynes.

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Monday, April 07, 2003

Two days in Paris.

I'll be in Paris for the next couple of days, flying out at the crack of dawn tomorrow and returning on Wednesday evening. Perhaps when I get back, I'll finally finish off that Apotheosis of blog (slight return) posting (now updated a bit further, and taking you up to Sunday afternoon).

A bient�t, then.

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Read the weblog, wear the T-shirt, live the life.

Yes! At last! Thanks to the efforts of my mate Rob and his team, who have been working late to meet the promised go-live date, official Troubled Diva merchandise is now available.

Because we're no longer just a weblog, you know. Oh no. We're a fully fledged Global Marketing Concept now. And this fine range of exclusive quality goods (T-shirts, mugs and mousemats, in a choice of two designs) is the cornerstone of our Brand Awareness Campaign.

If you'd like to offer something similar on your site, (and let's face it, just how cool would it be to have a set of coffee mugs bearing the logos of your favourite weblogs?) then go to Rob's main site at www.i-merchandiser.co.uk. An absolute doddle to set up - mainly because Rob's lot will do all the work for you, and all you'll have to do is link.

It only remains for me to wish you a pleasant Online Shopping Experience.

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Match the Intro - the final 4.

(Day 1 is here, Day 2 is here and Day 3 is here.)

Yes - the much-loved Match the Intro quiz finally limps to its sorry conclusion today, with the final four middle bits to be matched to the correct intros. Whatever shall we do for fun without it?

As before, right-click on the track listing to download.

narcotic thrust - safe from harm
sophie ellis bextor - get over you (almighty mix)
destiny's child - survivor (victor calderone club mix)
underworld - two months off

With all sixteen middle bits now made available, you have until Thursday morning to send me your answers, at mikejla at btinternet dot com. You might care to do so by copying and pasting the following text into the e-mail, then adding the number of each intro next to each track name.

Day 1:
justin timberlake: like i love you (deep dish zigzag remix)
missy elliott: 4 my people (basement jaxx remix vocal mix)
soft cell: the night (almighty mix)
sex pistols: god save the queen (neil barnes 2002 remix)

Day 2:
dj sneak featuring bear who? - fix my sink (original club mix)
the streets - weak become heroes (ashley beedle's lovebug vocal)
faithless featuring dido - one step too far (rollo & sister bliss mix)
sugababes - stronger (almighty mix)

Day 3:
justin timberlake - cry me a river (dirty vegas vocal mix)
angie stone - wish i didn't miss you (hex hector & max quayle mixshow)
layo & bushwacka! - love story (vs finally)
daniel bedingfield - if you're not the one (remix)

Day 4:
narcotic thrust - safe from harm
sophie ellis bextor - get over you (almighty mix)
destiny's child - survivor (victor calderone club mix)
underworld - two months off

And remember this handy hint: within each daily group of four, the correct answers will be in ascending numerical order. Got that?

To recap: the winner gets a mug and a mousemat, and the runner-up gets to choose one of the two. In the event of a dead heat, I'll choose the person who sent in their entry earliest.

Oh, look here.
Who am I trying to kid?
Let's level with each other, shall we?

I know perfectly well that every single one of you gave up on this quiz ages ago. Because it's completely impossible, basically. So look at it this way. Since nobody else is going to be entering, your chance of winning one of the two prizes is going to be fairly high. So you might as well scribble down some random numbers between 1 and 20, and hope for the best - as I suspect that even scores of zero are going to be in with a good chance.

(However, that DJ Sneak track really isn't too difficult, as there's a melody line in the backing track which crops up in both the intro and the middle bit. And that Underworld track is pretty well known and easy to spot. And there's a squelchy noise right at the end of the Sex Pistols intro which also crops up in the matching middle bit. No? Still not tempted? Oh, all right then.)

Bonne chance.

Update: MP3 now deleted.

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