Now that the Vietnam Diary is finally completed, I've placed all 14 diary entries together on a separate page, suitable for printing off.

You might also be interested in comparing and contrasting my experiences with this guy's rather more jaundiced, but highly amusing and entertaining view of the country. Although as part of an organised tour group, my own experience was inevitably smoother and more sanitised than his "independent traveller" perspective.

Jump straight to Part One.

Our last full day in Vietnam commences with yet another early start. Hey, what’s new? This time, we’re being packed off on a boat tour through the Mekong Delta, some distance South of Saigon.

Starting off on a fairly substantial vessel, we cruise for a while down the wide (and aptly named) Red River, before transferring to a succession of ever smaller sampans, which take us through a succession of ever narrower waterways through the jungle.

The jungle! Wow, this is great. Huge coconut fern leaves tower above our heads. Everything feels humid and swamp-like. There are snakes wrapped around tree trunks. It’s the Real Deal. It also feels like a different country all over again.

For lunch, we eat honey straight off the cone, before being shown around a small coconut candy factory. The whole group is in a buoyant mood, with plenty to distract us from the thought of the long flight home tomorrow, with the long stopover in Kuala Lumpur en route.

The early evening sees us all togged up, mingling with the Tiger Economy Set at the top of the flashiest hotel in Saigon, sipping overpriced cocktails and gazing out at the cityscape below, before heading off for another rather disappointing meal in another rather overdone restaurant. At the end of the meal, Brenda Blethyn hosts a daft “awards ceremony”, doling out “certificates” to everyone in the group. My award is for reducing the Vietnamese medical profession to fits of giggles with that oh-so-witty little boil on my bottom (I knew I could milk this episode for laughs). K gets something for surviving Scorpion’s Revenge. There are final beers and photos on the hotel roof before bedtime. And that’s it. It’s a wrap.



The less said about our ghastly stopover and so-called “city tour” round Kuala Lumpur the following day (useless, indifferent “guide” – torrential rain – massive and unwelcome culture shock), the better. So let’s leave everybody in Saigon instead, pissed and merry on the hotel roof, talking about what an excellent time we’ve had, and what a fantastic country we’ve visited.

Vietnam is our new favourite country, then. You should go. Before all the main attractions get turned into theme parks for the massed ranks of gawping coach parties. But if you do, take a couple of tips from me. Pack a nice soft cushion, and a sheet sleeping bag for the overnight train. You’ll be glad you did.

Labels: vietnam

Yeah yeah, I know you stopped watching it years ago. Me too. But it might just be worth tuning in to Top Of The Pops tonight, to see the Flaming Lips performing Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots, with none other than Justin Timberlake (eek!) on bass.

No, really. It's not a rumour. It says so, right here, on the Radio One site.

The other reason for tuning in is to see whether Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips has kept his promise to give a special shout out to birthday boy Patrick, from the audience at Monday night's Nottingham gig. (I'll be setting the video and scrutinising it later, when I get back from seeing Sophie Ellis Bextor (woo! pop!) at the Royal Centre.)

Update: Justin - Yes (in a furry animal costume). Patrick - No (but let's be charitable, and assume that Patrick ended up on the cutting room floor).

I've been dithering about this for days, but I don't think I can reasonably put it off any longer. And having suffered Catherine Bennett's spectacularly irritating "think piece" in this morning's Guardian ("Is This The Silliest Slogan Ever?"), I feel a renewed desire to appropriate the same hoary old soundbite for myself.

Not in my name, then. Sums it up nicely, I reckon. Besides, where would we "whiney" liberals be without the security of a nice slogan or two?

I know my limits, though. And fully informed, carefully and methodically reasoned, conceptually watertight political argument lies well outside them. I have nothing remotely original to add to the debate. Nor do I have any particularly fresh way of articulating the main arguments. Besides which, there are only so many ways you can say this stuff.

However, I do find that the simple urge to set on record my total and utter opposition to a pre-emptive military strike on Iraq just will not go away. (In fact, try as I might - and yes, I have tried - I cannot find one single compelling argument in its favour.)

So I'm going to get round this by being lazy. Instead of diving headlong into some sort of woefully garbled polemic, I'm going to be a good little weblogger, and post some links instead. Not even a comprehensive set of links at that; how dry would that be? And how many would people even want to click? So here's a simple round-up of everything relevant to the subject which I have stumbled upon during the past couple of days' surfing.

• Firstly, a cool-headed, pragmatic case against the war from Chris Bertram of Junius (which he then follows up at greater length here.)
  
• No War Blog: a collaborative effort. You can also peruse the main arguments using this index.
  
• Oh, sod being reasonable and measured...let's be snidey and satirical instead. After all, it's what we smug, self-righteous liberals do best, isn't it? Might as well play to our strengths, then. (via Sleeve Notes)
  
• In fact, let's just be bloody passionate about this, shall we?
  
• But none of this need stop us from ripping the piss out of terrible poetry, of course.

Hmm. Maybe that hasn't quite covered everything I wanted to convey.

Bugger.

OK then - deep breath, and at least try make it quick, can you? You know - for once in your life.

(I already feel a sense of sinking inevitability about this. Sigh.)

Bottom line: which course of action is most likely to result in the least number of dead and wounded - and by that, I make no division between Iraqi, American, British or any other lives? It's as stark and as simple as that. Everything else is secondary.

I would respectfully submit that pre-emptively bombing the crap out of a country whose people have already been brought to their knees by sanctions is not the optimum way of preserving the maximum number of human lives. (Don't get me started on sanctions, either.) It also increases the likelihood of counter-attacks against the West. In other words: we either do nothing and risk an attack (and like many others, I question the extent of that risk), or we go in there, killing and maiming on a grand scale, and dramatically increase that risk. Never mind the immorality - it's plain bad maths.

Or don't Bush's and Blair's people reckon there's much serious risk of an Iraqi counter-attack? In which case, exactly what risk are they trying to protect us from in the first place?

I also need to get my head around the precise military objective here. It can't be to "take out" the weapons of mass destruction, because no-one can find any. Which only leaves buildings and people. Like Saddam cares about them. It will take serious amounts of carnage to shift him, I would have thought. After all, he didn't exactly do much shifting last time around, did he?

OK, so let's try the "moral" angle instead. First off, I can't say that I'm greatly struck by the morality of a pre-emptive strike, nor by the attendant "We're the good guys, so different rules apply" justifications. I also can't see any moral consistency in seeking to topple a patently evil regime by military means in Iraq, but not in North Korea, Zimbabwe or anywhere else. Especially when North Korea actually has the nukes, and its people have been starving in their millions for years.

Which inevitably leads me to consider the other possible justifications for war. Revenge for September 11, then? Visible, tangible, spectacular, "pride-restoring" revenge? Not revenge against the actual perpetrators (Bin Laden's lot), as they've gone missing - so let's pick the nastiest Moslem we can find instead. Because, you know, they're probably all in it together, and they're all fairly interchangeable anyway.

Nope - sorry. Call me squeamish, but I can't buy into this line of argument. Try me with something else.

Um.

I'm scrabbling for scraps now. Is this all just something to make Bush look good and get him re-elected? Which Blair will always support because he sees Britain's national interests as being inextricably linked with maintaining the "special relationship" - at all costs, however terrible? Nope - call me picky, but this isn't quite enough moral justification for me either.

It's a long shot then, but it's all I have left. This is nothing to do with seizing control of the world's second largest oil fields, is it? Surely not, because that would mean that the Bush and Blair administrations were completely in thrall to the multinational oil companies, rather than being there to serve the interests of their electorate. (I say "serve their interests", because in this country at least, they certainly aren't representing the wishes of the electorate, most of whom appear to be firmly against a pre-emptive military strike.)

Which means that I have now completely run out of possible arguments in favour of a war. Guess I'll just have to be opposed to it, then.

Totally, utterly, passionately, irrevocably opposed to it. To the very core of my being, if that doesn't sound too hideously dramatic.

More and more opposed to it with each passing day, in fact. Which is why I felt I had to momentarily break away from the normal parameters of this blog and say something, even if all I'm ultimately doing is (as Burchill and Parsons once so memorably put it) wanking into the wind.

Not just "opposed", either. Nervous, and bewildered, and unable to cling onto the safety blanket of my customary apathetic escapism for very much longer. Increasingly frightened and increasingly angry too - even if, for a comfortably appointed "Guardianista" such as myself, these are (still) relative terms.

(Getting carried away with myself now. Shut up.)

Bugger. That took ages. My head hurts. I need a cup of tea and some daft pop music. Urgently.

(via Young Bradford East/West's "In-Depth Analysis") One of this year's Bloggies judging panel has decided to go public with the full list of nominees for this year's awards the full list of nominees for this year's awards. I am therefore still in a state of shock at discovering that Troubled Diva had somehow made the final 25 in three categories: Best European/African, Best GLBT and Weblog of the Year. To everyone who was responsible for this - I love you all.

Other nominees from my blogroll that didn't make the final five:

• European/African:
  not.so.soft, Distant Sun, Swish Cottage, Naked Blog, Green Fairy.
  (But where was Wherever You Are? Huh?)
  
• American:
  East/West, The Search For Love In Manhattan.
  (But where were Secret Kings and The Yes/No Interlude? Huh?)
  
• GLBT:
  The Search For Love In Manhattan, Swish Cottage, Not You The Other One, Naked Blog, East/West.
  (But where was Blogadoon? Huh?)
  
• Most Humorous:
  The Search For Love In Manhattan, East/West.
  (But where was Kitchentable, and where was Bboyblues, which made me laugh like a drain all year? Huh?)
  
• Best Designed:
  Prolific, East/West.
  (But where was Idiote? Huh?)
  
• Best Kept Secret:
  Distant Sun, The Search For Love In Manhattan, Upside Down Hippo, Sashinka, Green Fairy.
  (But where were Insubstantial and You Say Tomato? Huh?)
  
• Best New Weblog:
  Rise, Upside Down Hippo, Sashinka, Hydragenic, The Search For Love In Manhattan.
  (But where were Bitful, It Makes No Difference and Mad Musings Of Me? Huh?)
  
• Weblog Of The Year:
  East/West, The Search For Love In Manhattan, Swish Cottage.
  (But where were Hydragenic, Naked Blog and not.so.soft? Huh?)

I shall now go and have breakfast, and attempt to get over myself.

I grabbed this marvellous little early 1960s clip off the British Pathe News site ages ago, but forgot to upload it until now. Now that K is due to make a Big Posh Speech tomorrow night at a Prestigious Occasion, the timing couldn't be more apt. You'll see what I mean...

(A day later than planned, but this had to be done thoroughly.)

Last week, I asked you to nominate items from my 7-inch singles collection for inclusion in this week's special Centenary Curiosity Box. And oh my word, what a strong selection you came up with. In fact, it was such a strong selection that I found myself, once again, paralysed with indecision as to which four to select.

In such times of crisis, I naturally turn to my beloved. Why not let K make the final decision? It's time he had his say around here, anyway.

And so it came to pass that yesterday evening (having first eliminated anything that had been a UK Top 40 hit, and anything that had recently been made available on MP3), the two of us sat down and worked our way through the shortlist together. However, I offered no opinions on any of the tunes until K had pronounced upon them. All decisions had to be his alone.

What follows is a record of K's deliberations. You might find some of them rather harsh. But then, it's good cop/bad cop routines like this which keep us going.

1. Kill (from the Snuff Rock EP) - Alberto Y Lost Trios Paranoias (1977)
requested by Blue Witch and The Girl With The Patent Leather Face (well, sorta)
I was expecting this rather silly Punk parody to last no more than 10 seconds before getting vetoed. K has little time for Comedy Rock, you see.
But no. He's considering.
"I used to like the Albertos..."
"No. Appropriate to its time, but not for now."

2. In The Ghetto - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (1984)
requested by Amanda
"That's going straight onto the shortlist. A good choice for Cave to sing."
SHORTLISTED.

3. What A Wonderful World - Nick Cave & Shane MacGowan (1992)
requested by Paul and Amanda
"Not as good as In The Ghetto. The song itself is too over-played."

4. Mind Your Own Business - Chicks On Speed (1999)
requested by The Girl With The Patent Leather Face
"I know this, don't I? Is it quite recent? It sounds really fresh."
SHORTLISTED.

5. Rockin' With Rita - Ted Chippington (1986)
requested by noodle vague
Uh-oh. Comedy rock again. But bloody hell - K is actually smiling. What's got into him?
"I remember this one. But it's falling off the bottom of the shortlist."

6. The Weaker Argument Defeats The Stronger - The Delgados (1998)
requested by Caitlin
The lip is curling, ominously.
"Spotty kids."
Erm - I think you should wait for the chorus, actually.
"Why? I hate it already."
Because it all changes. The flutes go, like, really wild and stuff...
"No. I hate it. Take it off!"

7. New Look Baby - Dolly Mixture (1980)
requested by Elisabeth
"You used to know them, didn't you?"
Well, I acted in school plays with a couple of them.
"So I ought to choose this, I guess?"
No, not necessarily. Leave me out of this! Anyway, it's not as if we were actually proper friends or anything. Never mind about all that - what do you think of the record?
"There's something really likeable about it, actually."
SHORTLISTED.

8. Gloria/Satisfaction (from the Live At The Marquee EP) - Eddie & The Hot Rods (1976)
requested by Amanda
A very, very special record to me. Until this EP came along, my idea of great music was overwhelmingly linked to the strictures of Progressive Rock. It had to be intricate, clever, artsy, and full of Notes. With this EP, Eddie & The Hot Rods blew all of that out of the water. In an instant, I suddenly understood what was truly great about dirty, sweaty, back-to-basics rock and roll. At the tender age of 14, this revolutionised my attitude to music. Suddenly, all my lavishly packaged concept albums seemed pointless, irrelevant, sterile. A month later, The Damned's New Rose - the first ever UK punk single - completely re-wrote the rule book, and changed my life.

But I'm keeping all this info to myself. Maybe to anyone else, this just sounds like bog standard pub rock. I have played this single so many hundreds of times that I have lost the capacity for any objectivity about it.

"Oh God - Gloria. Was this before or after Patti Smith's version?"
After.
"It doesn't matter. I'm giving it the Rabbit In The Restaurant Treatment."
You what?
"If there's rabbit on the menu, I have to have it. If it's Gloria, I have to put it on the shortlist."
Praise be!
SHORTLISTED.

9. Hit The North (Part 1) - The Fall (1987)
requested by Vicky
"Too obvious. It's great - but everyone knows what The Fall sound like, don't they? I want to pick something that people don't already know."

10. Each Man Kills The Thing He Loves - Gavin Friday & The Man Seezer (1989)
requested by Caroline
(firmly) "Pretentious."

11. Rules & Regulations - We've Got A Fuzzbox And We're Gonna Use It! (1986)
requested by The Girl With The Patent Leather Face
"What year did this come out? 1986? Sorry - this belongs in 1982. 1986 is a bit late to still be doing this sort of stuff. There's no progress!"

12. How To Do That - Jean Paul Gaultier (1989)
requested by Nigel R (the UK one)
"It's fabulous! It's sooo Catwalk!"
The label queen hath spake.
SHORTLISTED.

13. Politics - Girls At Our Best (1980)
requested by Elisabeth and Nigel R (the Austin Texas one)
Once again, that lip is curling.
"God. I can just see her. Prancing round the stage in a short A-line skirt - with pigtails - doing some bloody stupid wacky skipping dance and kicking her legs in the air. And she can't even sing. Crap off!"

14. Mole In The Hole - Lenny Henry (1981)
requested by noodle vague
From the first second, K looks utterly stricken.
"I can't bear it."
Nuff said.

15. Don't Want To Know If You Are Lonely - Husker Du (1986)
requested by noodle vague and Vaughan
"I don't think this has worn very well."
Whaaat? Unable to contain myself, I break my impartiality. Look, this is way ahead of its time, surely? Think about everything that came after it: The Pixies, Nirvana, all that grunge stuff. Husker Du were massively influential - and there's no way this sounds like 1986.
"I can see where you're coming from - but there's still much better stuff than this on the list. And I don't like the vocals - they're too treated. I want to hear a bit more raw passion."
And so, my absolute favourite of all the requested tunes bites the dust. Oh, the agony.

16. Saturday Night Beneath The Plastic Palm Trees - Leyton Buzzards (1979)
requested by Nigel R (the UK one)
Long pause.
"When did Ian Dury start releasing records?"
1977.
"And what year did this come out?"
1979.
(somewhat triumphantly) "Well then. It's sub-Ian Dury."
Once again unable to contain myself, I then embark on a long spiel about what a great little slice-of-life vignette this record is, with its spot-on depiction of the shitty local disco which you still go to every week - because you're young, and because there's nowhere else, and because, despite all the crap times you have there, you secretly love it. But to no avail. My second favourite duly bites the dust.

17. I'm Bad - L.L. Cool J (1987)
requested by Simon
This is received with nothing more than a shrug of indifference.
"It's all right, but..."
...but it's no different from any other hip hop record of its time, and L.L. Cool J did more groundbreaking stuff than this anyway, such as Rock The Bells for instance, and it's just a bit...generic? Is that what you mean?
"Er...something like that."
Damn. Must get that impartiality back somehow.

18. Where Were You? - The Mekons (1978)
requested by Amanda
Long, long pause. The longest yet. K doesn't speak until the single has been playing for nearly two minutes.
"Interesting. There's something special going on there. I can't throw it out."
My third favourite duly makes the list. Result! At last!
SHORTLISTED.

19. White Mice - The Mo-dettes (1979)
requested by The Girl With The Patent Leather Face
"I can still see all the second year Humanities girlies bopping about to this with Gay Abandon. I was always standing on the sidelines, scowling. It's not going on the shortlist."

20. The Hairstyle Of The Devil - Momus (1989)
requested by Douglas, Nigel R (the UK one) (sorta), and Vaughan
Before putting this on, I tell K that this track has received more mentions than any other.
(just two seconds in) "Oh...God."
He looks horror-struck. And that lip is curling again.
(a bit later) "I can't make a single comment."
(short pause) "How old are your readers?"
Well, um, you know...
(warming up now) "Were they all part of that 1980s more-right-on-than-thou crowd? You know, with those little black slip-on school pumps? Dancing in that awful tippy-toe, priggish, earnest way?"
I really couldn't...
"I detest it. Bloody Pet Shop Boys rip-off! And I hate the bloody Pet Shop Boys!"
Yes, I think I picked that bit of information up somewhere along the line during the past 17 years.

21. T.V.O.D - The Normal (1978)
requested by The Girl With The Patent Leather Face
"What year is it? 1978? Wow. That's so damned influential. It might be basic, but in some respects it's actually better than nearly everything which came after it. Love the voice. This is a bit more...other."
SHORTLISTED.

22. Mozart - Michael Nyman (1980)
requested by Amanda
(scornfully) "Get back to the film scores!"
At this point, I go into another extended spiel about what a clever, instructive and ahead-of-its-time record this is. Actually, I go into a very extended spiel - because I've been thinking about this record quite a lot since digging it out again.
"I can see your argument - but Brian Eno and Steve Reich did all of this earlier, and they didn't need to rip off Mozart in the process."

23. 30 Seconds Over Tokyo - Pere Ubu (1975)
requested by Vicky
(after less than a minute) "Right up my street. There's a bit of King Crimson in there, I reckon."
SHORTLISTED.

24. Sky's Dead - Saint Etienne (1990)
requested by Kyle
An ultra-rare B-side from their second single.
Long, long pause.
"I'm still waiting for something to happen."
It never does. Some tunes are obscure rarities for a reason. Because they're lazy crap, in other words. I love Saint Etienne, but this lame shoe-gazing instrumental dirge is not worthy of them.

25. I Heard It Through The Grapevine - The Slits (1979)
requested by The Girl With The Patent Leather Face
He's smiling and nodding.
"Great song, great cover."
SHORTLISTED.

26. Caliméro - Stereolab & Brigitte Fontaine (1999)
requested by Paul
Wow. I had totally forgotten just how good this is. But I'm saying nothing for now.
"So-so. It's pipped at the post by Gaultier: better on the catwalk."
I can't believe he just said that. I dunno. You think you know someone...?

27. Band Of Gold - Sylvester (1983)
requested by Amanda, noodle vague and Hedgerow
Along with Momus, this is the other most popular request. When I first dug it out again, I thought it was fabulous. Now, I'm not so sure.
"Too many BPMs for me."
I skip forward to the truly ghastly 1980s saxophone solo towards the end. Stu-Stu-Studio Line!
"Ugh! No! That settles it."

28. I'm So Beautiful - Divine (1984)
requested by Hedgerow
"Great for its period, but it doesn't belong. It's just nostalgia, and I'm not interested in nostalgia."

29. Big Decision - That Petrol Emotion (1987)
requested by Ade and Hedgerow
"Not strong enough. More weedy indie kids."
I skip forward to the bit at the end, where they start chanting "You've got to agitate, educate, organise!" in nice polite middle class accents. Nice of them to take valuable time off from agitating, educating and organising to make a pop record, then.
"Oh God - horrible."

30. Song To The Siren - This Mortal Coil (1983)
requested by Hedgerow
"I enjoyed it at the time - but it doesn't belong. Anyway, everybody knows this one already. Too obvious."

31. City Sickness - Tindersticks (1993)
requested by Caitlin
"Love it - but no. Again, everyone knows what the Tindersticks sound like. There's no point in offering them this one."

-oOo-

We take stock. Nine singles have made it to the shortlist thus far: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Chicks On Speed, Dolly Mixture, Eddie & The Hot Rods, Jean Paul Gaultier, The Mekons, The Normal, Pere Ubu and The Slits. K has to choose four, and reject five.

Without further ado, he immediately picks Eddie & The Hot Rods and Pere Ubu. He also quickly (and to my relief, as I don't think it's nearly good enough) rejects Jean Paul Gaultier. Nick Cave and Chicks On Speed are next to go, as they're cover versions. The Slits also do a cover version - but he's hanging onto that for now, as it's such a radically different interpretation.

We're left with Dolly Mixture, The Mekons, The Normal and The Slits - all of which get played again. The Mekons immediately get picked, and Dolly Mixture get dropped.

"God, it's all a bit harsh and male and brutal so far, isn't it?"

The Normal or The Slits are left to redress the balance. I play The Normal yet again.

"OK - it's influential, but I don't love it."

We have our final selection. And here they are, for you to download and enjoy.

My thanks to all who participated. And don't listen to the nasty man. You all have great taste.

Item 97. Gloria/Satisfacton - Eddie & The Hot Rods (1976)


Item 98. 30 Seconds Over Tokyo - Pere Ubu (1975)

Item 99. Where Were You? - The Mekons (1978)


Item 100. I Heard It Through The Grapevine - The Slits (1979)


Update: Sorry - you weren't quick enough. These MP3s are no longer on my server. I generally make them available for a week or so (sometimes less) before substituting them for new ones. Better luck next time!

Ee, I dunno. Yesterday, I gave up all remaining shreds of hope, and de-blogrolled him. Today (maybe even spurred back into life by this ultimate sanction - who knows?), I discover that my blogdaddy is back. And is it just coincidence that - now that he's safely blogging from home - the content has become noticeably racier?

The final shortlist has now been published for The Bloggies...and I'm absolutely delighted to see three regular reads nominated in the Best European/African section: How To Learn Swedish In 1000 Lessons, Prolific and So... (a.k.a. Welshcake). They all deserve to win.

Any major disappointments? Well, one in particular immediately springs to mind. I was really hoping that the consistently delightful Search For Love In Manhattan would make the list for either Best GLBT, Most Humorous, Best Kept Secret or Best New Weblog. Because it simply deserves nothing less than total global adoration. Which will surely come in time.

Oh, and a big thank you to whoever it was that nominated Troubled Diva in the first round (as I was getting regular hits during the past week from a mysterious password protected list of nominees.) You're very kind. Kiss kiss!

...so I've replaced it with a somewhat moodier study. Because, y'know, I'm deep and stuff.

The T-shirt comes courtesy of Junio at You Say Tomato, who sent it to me towards the end of last year as a prize for winning her Bull's Testicles Project. It was the official Pride 1996 T-shirt for her employers' les-gay-bi-trans group, and is something of a classic of the genre. In fact, I guess we can now legitimately call it "vintage", can't we?

Here's a larger version of the front view (which lets you read the slogan), and here's the rather more detailed back view (my "Up against the wall, faggot!" pose).

It's been quite a while since I last wore a T-shirt. They can be quite slimming, can't they? Although rather a strain on the stomach muscles, if worn for any sustained period of time.
Must. Do. More. Stomach. Crunches.

Also via Junio: My Top Ten CDs of the Year That I've Rarely Listened To and Only Bought Because I Thought They Would Make Me Look Like I was Cool and Had a Sophisticated Knowledge of Music. Horribly accurate, especially as it also nails four CDs from my own collection that almost never get played.

January is always a good month for the singles charts. With many casual record buyers saving their pennies after Christmas, and with record companies saving most of their big promotions for later in the year, it has long been a time when significantly more singles enter the charts on the basis of merit rather than hype. This year's beneficiaries have included Panjabi MC, Layo & Bushwacka, Electric Six, Flaming Lips, Libertines and Audiobullys, all of whom have put out damn fine singles during the past month. And this week, there are still a couple more new releases which could also perform better than usual.

1. Fix My Sink - DJ Sneak featuring Bear Who?

In 1997, DJ Sneak gave the world the marvellous underground house classic You Can't Hide From Your Bud (one of the first of the "filtered" tunes to make it big). Now, in a complete change of musical direction, he's gone all funky and slinky and more than a little sexy, with a peachy little tune that reminds me of classic early Prince. There are - gasp! - real instruments on this track! Whatever next! There's also a great Basement Jaxx remix, which is well up to their usual standard.

2. Nice Weather For Ducks - Lemon Jelly.

In 2001, it was Goldfrapp. In 2002, it was Royksopp. So are Lemon Jelly going to be this year's slow-burning word-of-mouth crossover act? The album Lost Horizons is currently sitting at #74 in the album chart. This single should push it back up much higher. As always, the packaging is gorgeous (it does of course help when one of the two of you is a graphic designer) - and there's the added bonus of a new track Soft, which samples heavily from Chicago's soft-rockin' Seventies smash, If You Leave Me Now. For which I have always had a major soft spot.

OK. Deep breath. It's time to admit it - I've been buying cheesy Almighty cover versions. First, there was Obsession's really rather atmospheric cover of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word. And now, there's...

3. Sacred Trust - Tracey Cole.

Shall I make another admission? Okay, it's this. Of the two Popstars - The Rivals singles, I actually prefer Sacred Trust over the hideous, wafer-thin, ever more irritating, inexplicably overrated aberration that is Sound Of The Underground. Mainly because, underneath the production and the ridiculously over-emoted vocals, it's by far the better song. All it needed was a bit less drippy earnestness, and a few more healthy sprinklings of sparkly disco razzle-dazzle. Which is just what Almighty have delivered here. It's might be cheap, it might be cheesy, it might be formulaic, but I can't help feeling that it's all been put together with a lot more love. A Gibb brothers composition, of course. Why not remember him this way!

I'm delighted to see that from next month, Nottingham will have yet another regular venue for gigs: the Rescue Rooms, at the old RKO on Goldsmith Street (formerly New York New York, formerly Isabellas). With a capacity of between 200 and 500, this will neatly cater for bands who are too big for The Social, but not quite big enough for Rock City. Already booked are Echoboy, Longwave, The Libertines, and - best of all - Calexico. And I thought 2002 couldn't be improved upon. Rejoice!

I dunno; the one time I recommend a sitcom on the telly, the second episode of Happiness turns out to be something of a let-down. Entertaining enough, and still better than at least 90% of current British sitcoms - but a comparative let-down all the same. Lots of stock stuff about married people plotting affairs and then feeling guilty about them, and losers with big schemes which ultimately come to nothing, and people who try to change themselves but who end up reverting to type. In other words, we're back to the traditional narrative arc of the sitcom, whereby the "sit" always returns more or less exactly to where it was at the start of the program. Which is fine in its way, but I thought Happiness was attempting something rather different from all that. I'll certainly keep watching, though.

Earlier today, someone came to this site looking for pictures of racist ducks, if you please.

Well, we do try to help where we can. Will this do?

1. If I'd known that British Sea Power were the support act, I would have got to the venue a whole lot earlier. As it was, we arrived just in time for their final number. It was...noisy. And that is all I can meaningfully say about them. Most frustrating.

2. No doubt as part of their whole "deconstructing the mystique of performance" schtick, the Flaming Lips helped their own road crew build their set, with the lighting turned right up on the stage. Well, most of the band helped out, at any rate. Singer Wayne Coyne mainly confined himself to rather self-consciously wandering on and off stage, occasionally throwing cheery little waves towards the audience. However, he never actually seemed to do much. He killed quite a bit of time by making tiny little adjustments to his mike stand, and seemingly by checking the stage for uneven floorboards (an all too often overlooked duty, I'm sure). But really, he was just making a great show of looking busy, to cover up for the fact that he wasn't actually contributing a great deal. As a seasoned practitioner of this strategy myself, who has come to rely upon it to get him through most of his daily life, I can suss out a fellow traveller in an instant.

3. While this procedure was taking place, I was slightly surprised to spot someone standing right in the middle of the crowd on the main floor, dressed in a full rabbit costume: thick grey fur, floppy ears, whiskers, the lot. Not the most practical of outfits for a sweaty venue like Rock City. I came up with four possible reasons for this:

i) My lemonade had been spiked, possibly by someone who had grown tired of my incessant paeans to the glories of an alcohol-free lifestyle. After all, there's nothing quite like the evangelical zeal of the newly converted. Who could blame them?

ii) One of the Moldy Peaches was in the audience.

iii) Jolly undergraduate jape, possibly for chari-dee.

iv) Man in rabbit suit deliberately planted in audience by Flaming Lips in order to freak people out, in a further act of radical post-modernist deconstruction etc. etc.

So iii) then, obviously.

Turning around a few minutes later to survey the crowd, I then noticed that the guy behind the mixing desk was dressed as a tiger.

So iv) then. My goodness!

4. When the Flaming Lips re-emerged on stage for the gig proper, all the band except Wayne Coyne had changed into animal costumes: giant heads, the lot. They were joined by a couple of extras standing at each side of the stage in rabbit costumes (aha!), jiggling around to the opening number (a soaring Race For The Prize) and shining flashlights directly into the crowd. The giant bunnies then steadfastly kept this up for the whole of the rest of the set.

Simultaneously, a vast quantity of giant (and I do mean giant) inflated balloons were released into the crowd, bearing messages such as "Happy Birthday!" and "Get Well Soon!" These were bounced around above people's heads until they eventually burst. The last giant balloon didn't burst until at least halfway through the set.

5. Standing more or less stock still in the back left hand corner of the stage, and - once again - remaining there all the way through the gig: none other than Santa Claus himself. The real Santa Claus, that is. Guess he's got to do something to occupy himself during the January lull, right?

6. Wayne Coyne still does that thing with the glove puppet in the shape of a nun. And the blood on the head.

7. At this stage in their career, they really don't need to keep playing She Don't Use Jelly any longer. Its dopey college-boy wackiness now sounds completely at odds with the rest of the band's material. In any case, it was never a hit in the UK, and most of the audience probably don't even recognise it.

8. With Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots currently sitting at #18 in the UK singles charts (yes - it really is!), the Flaming Lips are doing Top Of The Pops this week. They told us that they wanted to use the opportunity to name someone from the audience on national television. They chose someone called Patrick. We shall discover on Friday whether they have kept their word. Remember: the name is Patrick.

9. Not being a particularly huge fan, I had always assumed that the Flaming Lips specialised in rather dry, oblique, conceptual pieces about mathematicians and robots and stuff. I was quite wrong. Loads of their stuff is charmingly, unpretentiously, joyously life-affirming. In this respect, Do You Realise? was particularly striking. Directly followed by Waitin' For A Superman, this was the central highpoint of the night for me.

(9.5. The Polyphonic Spree really do owe these guys an immense creative debt, don't they?)

10. As far as I was concerned, the band completely blew their encore with a tortuously drawn-out version of Approaching Pavonis Mons by Balloon - one of their more, um, minimal pieces. God, I thought it would never end. I like to think I have a healthy capacity for all things Prog - but this was simply too Prog by half. I was therefore fairly astonished when Stereoboard later told me it was his favourite tune of the night. This simply confirms what I already knew - namely that Stereoboard will always be more Prog than I could ever hope to be.

(For a different view of the same gig, take a look at this review on BBC Nottingham.)

Hmm. Well, I wasn't exactly inundated with entries for this, receiving just five in total. But then, it was an awfully tough quiz - names of weblogs not always being terribly easy to spot amidst a seemingly random (but sometimes deliberately misleading) jumble of letters and numbers. Weirdly, two of you even claimed to have spotted weblogs that I hadn't intentionally placed in the grid. I decided not to count these towards the final total.

Before we get onto the winners, here are the correct answers. A good proportion of these weblogs can readily be found on my blogroll. Of the others, I selected sites that are either reasonably well known (and several that are extremely well known), or that have Google page rankings of 5 or above.

One other thing: these sites all fit within my own definition of "weblog". I am well aware that your own definition may differ. But hey, let's not quibble.

And now...(drumroll)...the winners!

In fifth place, with a score of 26 out of a possible 48, is Lyle of Destruction For Dummies.

In fourth place, with a score of 39, is Joe of It always rains in Wales.

In joint second place, with a score of 40, are Alan of Oddverse and Todd of toddski.net (unless I'm very much mistaken - maybe there's more than one Todd in San Francisco reading this?)

But our winner - by just a single point, with a score of 41 - is...

Ron of Leather Egg! Congratulations Ron! One copy of 2002 - The Year In Song will shortly be winging its way to you in Boston, Mass. (Incidentally, this result gives me particular pleasure, as Ron was kind enough to send me a CD from my Amazon wish list for my 40th birthday last year. What goes around comes around, and all that.)

But you know what? In true Crackerjack fashion, no-one is going to leave this contest entirely empty-handed. Alan, Todd, Joe and Lyle: you all qualify for consolation prizes of one CD each. Just let me know which one of the three CDs you'd like to have the most, and it shall be dispatched. Because here at Troubled Diva, everyone's a winner.

More interactive fun and frolics tomorrow.

On Thursday, I asked for suggestions as to which 45 I should take to Dymbel's "45" party on Saturday night. These were the suggestions I received:

The King Of Rock & Roll - Prefab Sprout (suggested by A Reader)

Hot dog, jumping frog, Alberquerque...
As a DJ in the late 80s, I sometimes stuck this on at discos - though never at my actual club nights, because Prefab Sprout were never cool enough for that. (Mind you, lack of coolness never stopped me from regularly dropping Good Tradition by the Queen Of Disco herself, Miss Tanita "cheer up luv, it might never happen" Tikaram - mainly because my crowd contained a small but highly persistent Tikaram Barmy Army contingent, and it was the only way to get rid of them. But I digress.)

A good suggestion, but I do have this slight problem with Ver Sprout: namely, that I can no longer bear the sound of them. Which is odd, because I played their first two albums (Swoon and Steve McQueen) to death at the time. Maybe the clue lies in the words "to death". There is only so much McAloon that a man may take in one lifetime.

Antmusic - Adam & The Ants (suggested by Vicky)

The last of the great Adam & The Ants singles, in my opinion. (I was an early adopter/completist, who rather snootily parted company with the Ants after the wretched disappointment that was Stand And Deliver. I'll qua-qua da-diddley qua-qua you, you self-parodying sell-out!) A strong contender.

Remember You're A Womble - The Wombles (suggested by Joe)

As a hand grenade of Corn to lob into the general cultural stew, this was very tempting indeed. Mainly because the prospect of seeing a roomful of reasonably sensible fortysomethings wigging out to Great Uncle Bulgaria and Co. was an undeniably tempting one. But at the end of the day, I needed a classic rather than a curve-ball.

Robert De Niro's Waiting - Bananarama (suggested by Ben)

The last of the great Bananarama Mark One singles, i.e. before their commercial lull, and their subsequent re-incarnation at the hands of the ruthlessly efficient Stock Aitken Waterman machine. Probably my third favourite 'Nana tune of all time, after Cruel Summer and the mighty, mighty Love In The First Degree. But maybe just a wee bit too mid-paced. I needed something that would simply scream: "You must dance to me!"

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana (suggested by Buni)

It's a classic - it screams "You must dance to me!" - and what's more, Dymbel doesn't already have a copy on vinyl. Nirvana, then.

And yes, it filled the floor - as did the following 45s, as supplied by other party guests. (There were more of course, but these are the tunes that have stuck in my memory.)

• gotta see jane - r. dean taylor
  
• one nation under a groove - funkadelic
  
• bend me, shake me - amen corner
  
• out of time - chris farlowe
  
• natural born woman - humble pie
  
• quarter to three - gary u.s. bonds
  
• get it on - t.rex
  
• just an illusion - imagination
  
• roadrunner - jonathan richman & the modern lovers
  
• a town called malice - the jam

Coming up tomorrow: the results of Request #2. Which four MP3s will make it into the Old Curiosity Box? Voting is still open...