I'm off to Birmingham for a Big Night Out. (Hello Chig, and nice to see you blogging again.) The rest of the results will have to wait until Monday. I know, I know, I'm such a slacker.

4th place - The 1990s. (27 points)

Most popular: Girls And Boys - Blur.
Least popular: Breathe Again - Toni Braxton.

Unlike the witless puppets of 2004, at least the charts of 1994 can still be credited with some intelligence. Whatever we might think of the offerings by Tori Amos, Blur and Bruce Springsteen, at least they are all, in their own ways, offering something which hadn't been offered before, and thus stretching the definitions of chart pop.

Would that the same could be said for perhaps the most unmourned genre of the 1990s - the power ballad. With Celine Dion mercifully absent, it is left to Toni Braxton and Mariah Carey to fly the flag for ghastly, torpid, air-brushed, over-egged, fake emoting.

At the same time, dance music (as represented here by I Like To Move It, Renaissance and Doop) had established itself as a regular feature in the Top 10, with many hits having started their lives in what was then a thriving and expanding club scene. The rapid decline of dance music in the singles charts is perhaps the most surprising development of recent years.

But the most prescient of these ten hits has to be Girls And Boys. The glories of the Britpop years were just about to begin. Had our sample been taken from the Top 10s of 1995, 1996 or 1997, I suspect that the 1990s would have placed a lot higher than fourth.

Labels: whichdecade04

5th place - The 2000s. (26 points)

Most popular: Toxic - Britney Spears. (Watch the fantastic video for this here.)
Least popular: Cha Cha Slide - DJ Caspar.

"Tuneless - atonal - a horrbile racket - call this music?" There is an argument which says that the 2000s have, in a sense, scored a victory by finishing last in our poll. After all, aren't grown-ups traditionally meant to hate modern chart pop? It's not made for us. We're not supposed to get it. By shifting its emphasis away from the melodic and towards the rhythmic, 2004 pop has done a fine job of alienating many of us.

It is, however, a slender argument. There is another more compelling argument which says: yes, today's pop music really is the worst it has ever been. Marketed to death, with all remaining traces of innocence, rebellion and inventiveness squeezed out of the formula. Too focus-grouped, too demographically targeted, too cynical, too knowing - and with a horrible spiritual vacuum at its core. I suspect that this is the line that most of you will prefer to take.

Having listened carefully and repeatedly to all ten tracks in this year's selection, two particular observations stand out. Firstly: that much of this music is not even intended to be concentrated upon. In today's multimedia-saturated culture of immediate gratification, we are losing the ability to concentrate on anything much. Many of the consumers of these songs will hear them as nothing more than backwash - as the backing track to their lives. Thus it is that many of these songs (Dude and Cha Cha Slide particularly come to mind) set out their stalls within the first minute; the rest is merely repetition of those first few simple ideas.

Secondly: that modern pop is dripping with lust, more explicitly stated than ever before. While the songs of the 1960s speak of romantic love, exactly half the songs of the 2004 Top Ten (Dude, Red Blooded Woman, Not In Love, Mysterious Girl, Toxic) can be lyrically read as unambiguous expressions of directly erotic intent. It's a commonly heard complaint: that popular culture is becoming alarmingly - some might even say inappropriately - over-sexualised. Where will it all end, we ask ourselves, furrowing our brows in concern.

We are becoming our parents.

Labels: whichdecade04

In the current edition of Word magazine, 110 musicians and writers are asked to name one song which, in their opinion, should be heard by absolutely everyone. Ranging from the popular (Aretha Franklin, Bob Dylan, Take That) to the obscure (Pink Grease, Walter Pardon, Alberta Hunter), the results make fascinating reading. (Particularly if you have a couple of hours to spare and a broadband connection to hand.)

This morning, I was wondering which song I would have selected. This afternoon, I discovered it was available on the web as a free, legitimate download.

So, here you are. The one song which I think should be listened to by absolutely everyone: The Only Way Is Up, by Otis Clay. If this doesn't set you up for the weekend, then nothing will.

This is particularly dedicated to anyone who's going through a bit of a tough patch at present. (Gazes meaningfully in the direction of Belgium.). They don't call me an irrepressibly chirpy little f***ing Pollyanna for nothing, you know.

So. Which one song do you think should be listened to by absolutely everyone? Please share your recommendations with the group. If I get enough, then I'll compile a little list.

As for the final results of this year's Which Decade Is Tops For Pops? project: they will hopefully appear this evening, but will definitely appear by tomorrow. they'll be here tomorrow. Aplogies for the delay.

When you read as many blogs as I do, then you need an efficient way to find out whether or not they've been updated. (All that speculative clicking can be such a faff, don't you find?)

In this respect, my favourite tool is the Recently Updated UK Weblogs list. The only problem is that to be included on it, each site owner has to register. Even though this only takes about 10 seconds, a lot of sites don't bother, making the directory a frustratingly partial one.

Then there's the UKBlogs Aggregator. It's great - but you have to wade through acres of stuff from sites that you don't read.

Then there's Bloglines. It's also great - but it will only pick up posts from sites with RSS feeds.

What I've been waiting for is a weblog digest that is:
a) international.
b) based around my own personal selection of sites.
c) not dependant on RSS feeds.
d) arranged in a reverse-chronological weblog format, with excerpts from each post.
e) a piece of piss to set up and maintain.
f) freely available for use by others.

Launched in Beta just yesterday, Kinja promises to be all of those things, and has got me quite excited.

Except that it doesn't quite work yet. I've added my entire blogroll, plus a few more sites besides, and have been checking the updates on my customised Kinja digest against the the Updated UK Weblogs list. Sadly, Kinja is either lagging way behind, or else it doesn't pick up on the new postings at all.

But, hey - it's still Beta. I hope Kinja sorts its problems out soon; if it does, then it will swiftly become my new favourite place on the web.

To see how it works, take a look at my personalised Kinja digest.

I've been asked to test a rather nifty looking handwriting recognition package. This scans handwritten text; converts it into ASCII characters; formats the ASCII into HTML (applying stylesheets as necessary); and - this is the really clever bit - displays the resulting code using the original scanned handwriting.

So far, I'm quite impressed with the usability. Let me know what you think - and in particular, let me know if you spot any broken links. Ta.

I trust you enjoyed yesterday's little seasonal diversion. I was actually torn between two ideas - the one you saw, or Rent Boy de Jour: the diary of a high class London masseur-slash-escort-slash model, and his dealings with a couple of piss-elegant middle-aged queens from Nottingham who offered him a position as their live-in house-boy-slash-cottage-gardener. But then I thought: nah, somebody's bound to do a BdJ spoof.

You can therefore picture my shrieks of amazed delight when, just after posting at midnight last night, I decided to follow a hunch and check Diamond Geezer, that well-known stickler for punctuality. Geezer de Jour indeed! And so brilliantly conceived and executed, as well. Had I gone with the Rent Boy idea, the ensuing embarrassment would have been akin to two Oscar-nominated actresses turning up for the awards ceremony in the same frock. Or maybe I flatter myself with the conceit.

In order to execute yesterday's daring stunt, I was obliged to make a special journey to WH Smith to buy some felt pens - only to discover that they are no longer stocked. For all I know, they might have been extinct for the past 20 years. I suddenly felt very old and very out of touch.

Instead, I had to buy a set of hideous "gel pens", in vile non-matching colours, with horrible, scratchy, inconsistent nibs, which coat everything you write in some sort of "glitter" effect. Never have I felt more like an eight-year old girl. I'll probably be getting excited about the Top 40 next. (Oh...)

My thanks to Emrys of Crticise.Me.uk, who helpfully passed my scribblings on to someone called The Handwriting Lady. Her graphological analysis makes for alarming reading. Here are some choice excerpts:Colour me spooked!

The Troubled Diva Can't Be Arsed To Do Any Proper Research And Anyway It's Just A Blog So Why Bother? Unauthorised, Unreliable, Slapped-Together-In-Five-Minutes Guide To The Fabulous Sound Of Trentbeat, In Which We Salute Nottingham's Major Contribution To The International Music Scene Through The Years.

	Paper Lace. Godfathers of the Nottingham Sound. With Billy Don't Be A Hero, the raging anti-war polemic which took the whole country by storm in March 1974, The Lace placed the city of Nottingham firmly on the musical map, whilst simultaneously kick-starting the musical revolution that came to be known (admittedly not until thirty years on, but hey, who's counting?) as Trentbeat.
	Alvin Stardust. From Mansfield. Which, admittedly, isn't Nottingham. But it's almost Nottingham, right? Besides which, Trentbeat is a little short on founding fathers - so Alvin will have to do. I bought his album, you know.
	Medium Medium. Early 80s indie/funk crossover act, who recorded for the Cherry Red label. Their best known track, Hungry, So Angry, made Billboard magazine's Alternative Top 50. Eventually morphed into...
	C Cat Trance. ...who took things in a funkier direction, with "Islamic" influences.
	Fatal Charm. "Futurist" synth-pop act who got on Channel 4's The Tube a couple of times. Midge Ure produced their debut single. Split up in 1989 and re-formed as State Of Grace (see below).
	Sense. Another synth-pop act, whose first three UK singles were produced by Dave Ball from Soft Cell. Supported Depeche Mode and Kim Wilde on tours of Europe, and had a Top 40 hit in France with Jamie. An ill-fated excursion into Hi-NRG (the Ian Levine produced You Cry) spelt curtains for the band. See also: Pinky & Perky (below); Bob The Builder (Part 2).
	Su Pollard. No, it's not Kathy Burke in Gimme Gimme Gimme - it's Su "can I do yer chalet?" Pollard, the reigning "First Lady of Trentbeat". The saucy siren from Stapleford reached Number Two in 1986 with Starting Together, which was taken from some naff TV documentary about a pair of young marrieds. This was particularly memorable for its video, in which Our Su, looking fetching in a furry white winter cap with matching pom-poms, indulged in a playful snowball fight in the woods with said young marrieds. Su's entire debut album has since been "deconstructed" by a bunch of "radical sonic terrorists", whose alarming re-workings of her oeuvre can be found here. (Click on Deconstructions.) I particularly recommend the V/Vm remix of the aforementioned Starting Together, which treats the song with the respect it deserves.
	Clint Bestwood & the Mescal Marauders. Popular local live act from the late 1980s, who released at least one single (Sourmash). People in the know called them "The Bestwoods". Not being in the know, I didn't quite like to; it smacked of a certain over-familiarity. The one time I did catch them live - at a warehouse party near the railway station - I was too busy necking Pils and posing in my ripped 501s to pay much attention. However, Demian describes them as a "boozy bounce along band", which sounds about right.
	Asphalt Ribbons. Late-80s-early 90s indie band of some reknown. Split up and re-formed as Tindersticks (see Part 2).
	Fat Tulips. Part of the so-called "twee" indie movement, the Fat Tulips have been described as "making Talulah Gosh look like an Oi band." Recorded a single called Where's Clare Grogan Now?, which probably tells you all you need to know.
	State Of Grace. Formed from the ashes of Fatal Charm (see above), State Of Grace swiftly became Trentbeat's premier shoegazing act, with singles such as Camden and Hello (not the Lionel Richie song). Actually - and I speak as someone who was never that big on the whole shoegazing thing - they were bloody great, with plenty of droney, trippy "freakout" sections, and pleasingly copious usage of effects pedals. Unfortunately, having been knocking around for a fair old while by then, the band weren't judged sufficiently hip to be ranked alongside the Slowdives and Chapterhouses of this world, the NME once sneeringly referring to them as "looking like a bunch of supply teachers". A freak US dance hit, with a wildly unrepresentative remix, proved to be the final nail in their coffin.
	Stereo MC's. Splitters! Although two-thirds of the band originally hailed from Ruddington, Trentbeat traitors the Stereo MCs cleared off to London before enjoying any commercial success. However, this act of monumental civic betrayal came with a hefty price tag: after four hit singles in just six months, the band had to wait a full eight years for a fifth. Let the fate of the Stereo MCs serve as an Awful Warning. You desert this city at your peril.
	KWS. Recorded in a bid to persuade star footballer Des Walker to stay with Nottingham Forest, the KWS cover of KC & The Sunshine Band's Please Don't Go became the second Trentbeat Number One in April 1992. This earnt the band an entirely justifiable nomination as Best New Act at the 1993 Brit Awards, alongside such musical heavweights as Undercover (Never Let Her Slip Away; Baker Street) and eventual winner Tasmin "voice of an era" Archer. KWS made regular appearances at Nottingham's top nitespot The Black Orchid, if memory serves. As The Cavern was to Merseybeat, so The Black Orchid was to Trentbeat: crucible of a revolution. (I could turn this into a book, you know. Any offers?)
	Pinky & Perky. The lovable singing piglets enjoyed something of a comeback in 1993: regular guest slots on a kids' TV show called The Pig Attraction, a by-the-skin-of-its-teeth Top 50 single, (Reet Petite / It Only Takes A Minute Girl) and a whole album (yes, they really did cover Technotronic's Pump Up The Jam). What you might not have known is that the piglets "laid down" their "vocal tracks" at my mate's home recording studio in Sherwood. Indeed, if you slow down their voices... no, perhaps I've said enough. He doesn't talk about it much.

On the front of the Business Post pull-out section inside the Nottingham Evening Post, there's a rather fetching colour photo of K, his two business partners, and a couple of dogs called Huggy and Liberty. Inside, there's a two page interview with K, along with two more photos. I am pleased to report that he looks suitably debonair and distinguished in all of them. (What's that? The content? Science, innit. Way over my head.)

For ease of access, here's an index of all 10 selections, with the current winner for each day displayed in bold type. Voting remains open until Thursday night.

• 10: The Searchers, The Wombles, The Weather Girls, Toni Braxton, Beenie Man featuring Ms Thing.
• 9: Jim Reeves, The New Seekers, Rockwell, Reel 2 Real featuring The Mad Stuntman, George Michael.
• 8: Eden Kane, Paul McCartney & Wings, Billy Joel, Enigma, Kylie Minogue.
• 7: The Merseybeats, Bay City Rollers, Van Halen, Tori Amos, Jamelia.
• 6: The Bachelors, Suzi Quatro, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, M People, Black Eyed Peas.
• 5: The Hollies, Ringo Starr, Lionel Richie, Blur, Enrique Iglesias featuring Kelis.
• 4: The Rolling Stones, Charlie Rich, Nik Kershaw, Bruce Springsteen, Peter Andre.
• 3: Cilla Black, The Hollies, Break Machine, Ace Of Base, Jennifer Lopez featuring R.Kelly.
• 2: The Dave Clark Five, Alvin Stardust, Kool & The Gang, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears.
• 1: Billy J. Kramer & the Dakotas, Paper Lace, Nena, Doop, DJ Caspar.

Finally, after a long and arduous slog, our musical journey reaches its summit, as we prepare to stroll amidst the very peaks of popular song from the past five decades. And what peaks we have in store! There's menace, there's war, there's death, there's destruction... and, to complete the horror, there are novelty euro-dance crazes. I did warn you these were going to be a bit weird, didn't I? Buckle up tight! It's the Number Ones!For the past forty years, one song above all others has given my beloved K The Fear, to the point where he is physically incapable of listening to it. Not because it's a particuarly bad record - if pressed, he would admit that it has considerable merit - but because, quite simply, it creeps the living f**k out of him. That record, ladies and gentleman, is Little Children by Billy J. Kramer & the Dakotas - the fourth Liverpudlian act in 1964's top ten, and also the sixth "beat group" to feature in it.

So why should a seemingly harmless Merseybeat ballad have caused K such sustained mental anguish? Listening closely for the first time last week, I began to understand why. The track fairly oozes menace, with unspoken threats hanging heavy in the air. You can almost see the bag of sweeties outstretched in one hand, the switchblade concealed in the other. To the tender ears of a four-going-on-five year old such as K, I can well imagine this sounding quite terrifying.

With Paper Lace (still the most successful Nottingham band ever, which tells you all you need to know about our local music scene), the nightmare continues, as our second singing drummer tells the terrible tale of heroic, tragic, foolish young Billy and his poor, unheeded, heartbroken fiancée. Once again, we are in ambivalent territory. Is this chicken-in-a-basket variety-club cheese, or a bleak noir masterpiece? An innocuous campfire singalong, or a seething anti-war polemic? What would it sound like if Billy Bragg had recorded it? More to the point: what would it sound like if Nick Cave had recorded it?

With Nena's 99 Red Balloons, our terror scales new heights. Again, that ambivalence: is this the nadir of fake plastic schlager-punk, or the apotheosis of cold war paranoia? And more importantly, how ever did that atrocious English language translation slip under the net?

In its original German version (99 Luftballons), the words sound great: spiky, crunchy, memorable, even vaguely credible. So why - in the name of God, why - go and make the sodding balloons red? And where the Hell is "99 Decision Street" when it's at home? (Apart from being a place to "worry, worry, super-scurry", of course.) And was "there's something here, from somewhere else" really the best description you could come up with? And couldn't you have at least bothered to make the thing rhyme properly?

As a student in West Berlin during much of 1983 and 1984, I came to regard the ubiquitous, inescapable 99 Luftballons with great fondness. As for 99 Red Balloons, I successfully managed to avoid hearing it more than a couple of times at most. The process of assembling this project, and having to stare this appalling version in the face, has trampled over my cherished memories, and has almost succeeded in killing off my affection for the original. Quick, I need cheering up! Let's have some Doop!

The first and only instrumental track in this year's selection, Doop is a one-hit-wonder novelty track that has actually worn rather well. It's frisky, it's fun, it's a little bit different, and it conjures up cartoonish images of gurning 1920s flappers doing the Charleston on E - which is no bad thing, right?

Would that we could say the same thing about DJ Caspar's one-dimensional, hectoring, Cha Cha Slide. Is he a DJ or a drill instructor?

"Criss Cross! Criss Cross! I said f***ing Criss Cross, OKAY? Pay attention, you slackers at the back! Five hops this time! No, five hops, you useless f***ers!"

So there we have it: the most sinister of this year's songs, the two daftest and most meaningless, and the only two which describe some sort of narrative. Tough choices, huh?

My votes: 1 - Billy J. Kramer & the Dakotas. 2 - Doop. 3 - Paper Lace. 4 - Nena. 5 - DJ Caspar.

Over to you. With the 1960s now seven points clear at the top, the real race is now between the remaining four decades, who are bunched up together with only a single point separating them. Like last year, it's going to be another photo finish...

Please leave your votes in the comments box. VOTING REMAINS OPEN UNTIL THURSDAY NIGHT FOR ALL TEN SELECTIONS. I'll be announcing the final results on Friday.

Labels: whichdecade04