Jump straight to Part One.



12. Bosnia & Herzegovina - Deen - In the Disco
If one ignores Croatia (and sad to say it, but many will), we're now in the middle of the Rump Shaker Section, with Albania & Ukraine closely followed by darling little Deen and his pert little Disco Tits. As the week has progressed, I've developed an enormous fondness for Deen, whom I now view as the Poster Boy for the entire contest. For those of you who didn't read yesterday's comments, let me introduce him further:The world is a happier place with Deen in it.
Prediction: 4 to 7.
Actual position: 9th. INCORRECT.



13. Belgium - Xandee - 1 Life
Whoop! Whoop! Second Gay Anthem in a row! If I were DJ-ing at one of the big parties in Istanbul this week (one can dream), this would make a perfect segue, as Deen's Moroder-isms yield to Xandee's trance-lite synth stabs. Indeed, it is almost impossible to listen to the chorus of this song without punching the air in the gaps after "One" and "Life".

Shall we practise that now?The only trouble is: brutal, metallic gay anthems like this have a habit of floundering badly on the night itself. Unlike with Deen, there's no redeeming warmth to win over everybody else.

The first time I play this out, it will be about one o'clock, and my dancefloor will instantly become one seething, exultant mass. The second time I play it, it will be nearly four o'clock; there will be about 15 people left, standing against the walls on their own, still forlornly trying to cop off with each other, but merely prolonging the inevitable solitary cab ride back to the hotel. The track's throbbing energy will have frozen into a harsh, joyless echoing angularity, which...

Sorry. Where was I?
Prediction: early to mid-teens.
Actual position: a shocking, inexplicable 22nd. INCORRECT.



14. Russia - Julia Savicheva - Believe me
As the sweat-drenched crowd settle back into their seats, the woman they're all calling "Avril Lavigneski" strolls moodily onto the stage, ushering in The Dull Section (Apart From Greece). Feel free to talk amongst yourselves for a while.

Oh, the song? Well, it's is a mid-paced plodder with slight soft-rawk touches, which never really goes anywhere.
Prediction: bottom five.
Actual position: 11th. INCORRECT.



15. FYR Macedonia - Tose Proeski - Life
With Macedonia, it's all about the scarlet ribbons. Watch closely, and you'll soon see. Teen-goth Livejournal lyrics; a ruched cream creation which might once have graced minor Macedonian royalty; and no other points of interest whatsoever.
Prediction: 15 to 20.
Actual position: 14th. NEAR MISS.



16. Greece - Sakis Rouvas - Shake it
OK, everyone - out of the kitchen, back to your seats, settle down and shut up - the totty's on. Of the male and female kind, so everyone's happy. The girls strip down to bikinis - Sakis tears his jacket off - and suddenly, there are more belly buttons than a man can shake a stick at. The "fire/desire" rhyme is merely the icing on the cake.

But - and I still feel that it's a big but - the singing, my dears, is just all over the place. No breath control, that's the main problem. As to whether any of Europe's drooling millions will either notice or care - well, that's quite another question.
Prediction: 6 to 10.
Actual position: 3rd. INCORRECT.



17. Iceland - Jónsi - Heaven
A strapping young man with great shoulder definition and a finely chiselled face delivers another carefully wrought Fan Fave ballad which, superficial philistine that I am, leaves me completely cold. Apparently, he wants you to "blend your colours with my blue". But won't that just reduce everything to a nasty green/purple sludge? I can't say I'm persuaded.
Prediction: mid-teens.
Actual position: 19th. INCORRECT.



18. Ireland - Chris Doran - If the world stops turning
Now, as we all know, Ireland have been running scared from hosting Eurovision again for many years, following their financially crippling run of success in the 1990s. And so, yet again, they've shoved some well-meaning hopeful into a suit, plonked a row of indifferent backing singers behind him, squeezed everyone from his home town on a plane with unlimited supplies of booze (you should see the size of the Irish "delegation" every year), and saddled him with yet another turgid dirge which threatens to stretch three short minutes into five long hours.

(This one might be written by that guy who's just left Westlife - you know, the one with the wife who won that I'm A Celebrity doo-dah - but that changes nothing.)

Yes, it's a toilet break. Ireland, the emptying bladders of Europe will be serenading you tonight.
Prediction: bottom 3.
Actual position: 23rd. CORRECT.



19. Poland - Blue Cafe - Love Song
Let's play Consequences!
Esther Phillips met Men At Work in a tapas bar.
She said: "If I'm representing Poland, why do I have to break into Spanish halfway through?"
They said: "Corazon! You forgot to sing Corazon! We're doomed!"
And the consequence was: bottom 5.
Actual position: 17th. INCORRECT.



20. United Kingdom - James Fox - Hold on to our love
James Fox is, quite clearly, a thoroughly decent and personable fellow. Hold on to our love is, quite clearly, a vast improvement on last year's Cry Baby fiasco. Bryan Adams is, quite clearly, a continuing major influence on aspiring young musicians the world over. And I am, quite clearly, smiling through gritted teeth.
Prediction: for once, let's be specific. 14th.
Actual position: 16th. NEAR MISS.



21. Cyprus - Lisa Andreas - Stronger every minute
In a strange twist of fate, the official UK entry is followed by a song written by a British composer, and performed by a 16-year old schoolgirl called Lisa, who lives in... Kent, actually. So, Cypriot in what way, precisely?

Let's look it up. Lisa "lived in Cyprus for two and a half years as a small child", and she "returns to Cyprus regularly to visit relatives". So that's OK, then.

OK for us Brits, that is. For I confidently predict that we will be queuing up to claim kinship before the night is through, as "our" Lisa sails effortlessly into the top three with a first-class performance. Streisand-esque, I think you'll find. "With a maturity that belies her years", they'll all be saying.
Prediction: 2nd or 3rd.
Actual position: 5th. INCORRECT.



22. Turkey - Athena - For real
Blimey, who let those rough-arsed ska-punks in here? An absolutely belting brassy opening - worthy of 2-Tone in its glory days - unfortunately gives way to a song which doesn't quite live up to its early promise, topped off with a Bad Manners-style chant of a chorus which sounds suspiciously like "I wanna bring you off". The home crowd are gonna go mental to this one.
Prediction: 4th to 8th.
Actual position: 4th. CORRECT.



23. Romania - Sanda Ladosi - I admit
There's something - well - a bit constructed about Sanda, isn't there? Oh, but this contest is bringing out a side of me which I try so hard to suppress. You thought I was nice, didn't you?

Although this might not be one of the more memorable songs, at least it has the virtue of paying a nod to contemporary trends in modern pop: R&B staccato strums here, Britney-style string skirlings there. Its late place in the draw will doubtless win it a good few extra points, provided that anyone can remember it after Turkey's ska and the majestic brilliance which is to follow...
Prediction: 11th to 15th.
Actual position: 18th. INCORRECT.


24. Sweden - Lena Philipsson - It hurts
At last! At last! The 36th song in this year's event, and - counting the semis - the 46th performance, and we're finishing with a good 'un. Like Belgium's One *PUNCH* Life *PUNCH* before it, It Hurts has Big Fat Gay Anthem written all over it - but where Xandee coldly rattles, Lena warmly embraces, with a singalong chorus that will have the queens beaming broadly from ear to ear.

As others have mentioned, this year's Swedish song does appear to be a thinly disguised ode to an*l sex - especially in the chorus and second verse. I doubt whether this will exactly harm its chances. Lena, already a massive star in her own country, is promising to do all manner of suggestively charged things with her microphone stand, which she has brought over specially. I am also reliably told that she is... well... can we say "sex on a stick" here?

Ever since I first heard this, I've had it down as the winner. As far as I can see, its only serious rival is Ukraine's Ruslana, with her Wild Dances. But when have I ever been right? (That would be 1998, then. Dana International. Bit of a no-brainer, that one.)
Prediction: definite top 3, possible winner.
Actual position: 6th. INCORRECT.

And that, patient reader, concludes this year's previews. I earnestly hope they assist you in your viewing pleasure tomorrow night. Next week, we'll be back to normal. Until then, Happy Eurovision!

Labels: eurovision, eurovision2004

(Preview videos can be seen here - then click on "Multimedia Lounge".)

Er... you don't think I'm in danger of doing this subject to death, do you?
Actually, perhaps it's better that you don't answer that.
On we plough!



1. Spain - Ramón - Para llenarme de ti
You'll need to get settled down fairly promptly this year, because the opening song is a sizzling Latino cracker; it's well constructed, keeps its pace, and never runs out of ideas. Ramón is an undeniably comely young man, who has been getting certain people I know worked up into a right old lather. He also has the honour of being the first of this year's contestants to intone the sacred words "mi corazon", which come second only to "fire/desire" in the ESC lyrical pantheon. As the brass blares, and the invisible lesbian drummers swing into action at about the one and a half minute mark, you know that you've made the right decision in staying at home tonight.
Prediction: Top 10.
Actual position: 10th. CORRECT.



2. Austria - Tie Break - Du bist
At which point, you may suddenly find yourself questioning that decision. On first hearing Du bist, I pegged it as the sort of leaden, dead-eyed ballad that is doled out to finalists in reality TV pop shows. Having said that, this would have struggled to make the grade on the Michelle McManus album. Hell, even Rik Waller would probably have turned his nose up at it. So hey, guess what? It turns out that this three-piece boy band were all finalists in the Austrian version of Pop Idol. Now, there's a thing. Atrocious. Not even their spirited last-ditch attempt to corner the gay market can save them.
Prediction: Bottom 3.
Actual position: 21st. NEAR MISS.



3. Norway - Knut Anders Sørum - High
Despite my pronouncement that Eurovision and soft-rawk make uneasy bedfellows, it has to be conceded that Kurt makes a much better stab at it than those unfortunate Latvian semi-finalists. A passable Bryan Adams facsimile, solidly delivered, which soars where it needs to soar, and basically makes all the right moves in all the right places. If you like that sort of thing.
Prediction: mid-teens.
Actual position: 24th (last). INCORRECT.



4. France - Jonatan Cerrada - A chaque pas
Like Norway before him, the French song is all about healing your wounds, stepping forwards into a bright new tomorrow, the redemptive power of love, et cetera et cetera, and so we remain on similar emotional territory for a while longer. Like so many French singers before him, Jonatan (winner of the first French Pop Idol; is a pattern forming already?) is once again given an elegant, stately, timeless French ballad to perform. And as always, it is destined to languish in mid-table; admired by the "bring back the orchestra" fan brigade, ignored by the rest of Europe. Nevertheless, there's a lot to like here.
Prediction: early teens.
Actual position: 15th. NEAR MISS.



5. Serbia & Montenegro - Željko Joksimoviæ - Lane moje
Ah, the old pan pipes. Just thought I'd get that in before Wogan does. Because you know he will. The first song from the semi-finals to qualify - and, for me, quite a surprise to see it get through. This also means that it's the third time I've had to write about it this week - and, frankly, I'm running out of inspiration. This was well sung on Wednesday night, and should finish respectably.
Prediction: just inside the top 10.
Actual position: 2nd. INCORRECT.

Now, here's a thing. Of the opening five songs, no less than four are sung in their native language, with only Norway settling for English instead. Whereas from this point on, all of the remaining songs are sung in English, with only a brief snatch of Ukrainian in Wild Dances, and - bizarrely - a brief snatch of Spanish in the Polish entry. Apparently, this is the highest percentage of English language songs to date. I think we're in danger of losing something rather precious here; don't you?

So, as the Indigenous Authenticity Section draws to a close, we move into the Oh How Sweet Section, with a run of fresh-faced little ditties that, depending on your pre-disposition, will either charm your socks off or curdle your blood.



6. Malta - Julie & Ludwig - On again...off again
In an unusually male-dominated contest, the Maltese entry marks the first female lead vocal of the night - although there is still quite a way to go before our first female soloist. Cheesy operatics are the order of the day, as a shuffling 125bpm beat almost makes you want to start wiggling your hips. But not just yet. Watch out for that extraordinary middle section, as Julie takes over the operatic role - and watch also for a rather smarmy peck on the shoulder at the end.
Prediction: just inside the top 10.
Actual position: 12th. INCORRECT.



7. Netherlands - Re-union - Without you
Acoustic strumming, old-tyme Frank Ifield/Karl Denver yodelling, but unlike the semis, this is a poor place in the draw for the rather raddled looking Dutch duo, who will struggle to be remembered by the end of the night.
Prediction: mid-teens.
Actual position: 20th. INCORRECT.



8. Germany - Max - Can't wait until tonight
After three semi-final qualifiers in a row, we come once again to a new song, and one which divides opinion. Some will love it; some will loathe it; some will talk all the way through it and go "which was the German one again?" at regular intervals during the voting. Me, I love it: a genuinely soulful ballad, with something of the early Café Bleu era Style Council about it. Max isn't exactly the prettiest of tonight's contestants, I grant you - but remember, it's a song contest, right? (It is axiomatic that every third or fourth posting to every Eurovision fan forum will haughtily remind you of this fact, palpably false as it is.) Minus five points for singing "my lady" with apparent sincerity, though.
Prediction: a very tough call indeed, but I'll say just outside the top 10.
Actual position: 8th. INCORRECT.



9. Albania - Anjeza Shahini - The image of you
After just one new song, we now have another run of three qualifying semi-finalists. I recently heard the original four and half minute version of this song, and cannot believe how much it has been improved since then. They've edited it down, speeded it up, added a gospelly backing, and turned a ropey old screecher into a miniature classic, which progresses from soft ballad to out-and-out belter in not much more than a minute. My big worry here is Anjeza's vocal performance, which was dangerously ragged on Wednesday night. However, it's the first song since the opener that will get the crowd on their feet, and as such will make a nice warm-up for the next act.
Prediction: 5 to 10.
Actual position: 7th. CORRECT.



10. Ukraine - Ruslana - Wild Dances
Enough with the winsome sweetness; let's ramp it up several hundered notches, with leather, whips and Big Big Drumming that would test even the toughest of lesbian drumming troupes. As for Ruslana herself: who says that Eurovision has no appeal for heterosexual males? Lads, she's gorgeous! Possibly the most Total Performance of the night. If the rumour mill in Istanbul is to be believed, this was the runaway winner on Wednesday, and quite rightly so.
Prediction: definite Top 3, possible winner.
Actual position: 1st. CORRECT.



11. Croatia - Ivan Mikulic - You are the only one
For many of us, this was the biggest shock result of the semi-finals. Those of you drinking pints might be advised to use these three minutes wisely. (The rest of you should try and hold on for another seven songs.) Undeniably well sung, and I'm certainly not averse to a bit of butch Balkan belting, but this resolutely fails to do it for me.
Prediction: 15 to 20.
Actual position: 13th. INCORRECT.

Jump to next part.

Labels: eurovision, eurovision2004

Hmmm.

In the harsh light of day, looking back over last night's giddy, tipsy, occasionaly misspelt, not-a-little-bitchy running commentary on the Eurovision semis, my overriding conclusion is: You Had To Be There, I Guess. There's a trade-off to be made between instant immediacy and considered observation, and it was a damn sight more fun to opt for the former, for once. Anyway, I hope that last night's merry band of compulsive F5-pressers enjoyed the experience as much as I did.

I finished the evening (and the South African Chardonnay) by watching the entire show all over again, with the added luxury of not having to split my attention between TV screen and laptop. It was only then that I noticed all sorts of little details which had evaded my notice earlier. The stripping Greek dancers! The rollerblading Dane! Another familiar face in the audience! Agnetha and Frida's cameo role in the ABBA video! A thousand and one subtleties danced before my eyes.

And then, bed. With the adrenalin of the night still coursing through my veins, it still took me a good hour to calm down and nod off - only to dream of connection problems on the blog, faults in the template which couldn't be corrected, mistakes in the review crying out to be fixed... I take all this nonsense far too much to heart, don't I?

An interesting experiment in spontaneity and interactivity - one that I've learnt a lot from, and one that I'm keen to repeat - but, alas, NOT during the finals on Saturday night. Instead, seven of us (at the last count) will be keeping our eyes firmly on the screen, with no further technical paraphernalia to distract us. The event is simply too important to risk losing a SECOND.

Except when Macedonia are on, of course. Miaow.

Update (1): Before any further damage is done to my reputation, I feel compelled to correct a creeping misconception. Contrary to popular belief, the bottle of wine which accompanied yesterday's show was not an Australian Chardonnay - perish the thought! - but a South African Chardonnay. Bellingham, not Lindemans. Supermarket plonk, I grant you, but there's still a world of difference. Can't be doing with all that predictable homogenised butteriness. Big Label Australian Chardonnay: the Travis of table wines.

Update (2): In the comments box attached to this post, you'll find a flurry of quotes from a proper, serious, grown-up Eurovision site; my thanks to Elsie for bringing it to my attention. Forget last night's cheapshot bitchiness; this site sets a standard to which all Eurovision coverage should aspire.

...here are the bottom 12 places. This lot will probably be back on the plane tomorrow... except the Slovenians, who are getting married in the morning.

Estonia - 65 points. I voted for them, you know. So near...
Israel - 57.
Denmark - 56.
Finland - 45.
Portugal - 37.
Lithuania - 26.
Latvia - 21.
Andorra - 12.
The Slovenian lovebirds - 11.
Magga Lee Lay Lo: it's Belarus, ROBBED, with 10.
Monaco - 10.
And finally - clap your hands, let's celebrate - it's Switzerland, with a Big Fat Null Points.

I really must go to bed soon. GOOD NIGHT.

That Eurovision exclamation mark graph in full, courtesy of Hydragenic. It sort of came to me in a rush in the last few minutes, didn't it?

Hic. I was supposed to be going down the pub with my mate Alan, but he cried off, pleading exhaustion. So now I'm feeling oddly deflated, sipping the dregs of my Chardonnay in front of the re-runs, and steadfastly refusing to let harsh reality re-enter my fluffy world. I'll be dancing round the room before midnight, you mark my words.

Mystic Chig in Istanbul correctly predicted EIGHT of the ten qualifiers, before tonight's show even started. Well DONE, that man!

Wot larks! I feel drained... quite drained. As does my wine bottle.

It's been fun, people. Thanks to everyone who commented. I'll now be rooting for Sweden, Cyprus and the Ukraine on Saturday night. Goodnight from Nottingham! Hic! Told you about those exclamation marks!

(Eeek, the news. Quick, press REWIND, and keep the dream alive...)

Serbia. Crikey!
Malta. Hooray! Go Renee & Renato!
Netherlands. I am vindicated after all!
Albania. Justice is done!

Leonard Cohen can't count.

Ukraine. Well, DUH!
Croatia. Huh? Really? If you say so.
Bosnia. Woo! Gay power!
Macedonia. I am baffled.

COME ON CYPRUS & ESTONIA.

Greece. Sex appeal wins the day.
And finally...
CYPRUS! Thank the Lord! And it's on after the UK.

Sorry not to see Belarus & Estonia in there.

Spain - pure sex.
Germany - soulful, like it.
Belgium - gay anthem.
Ireland - dear me, no.
Turkey - ska-punks wanna "bring you off". Missus!
Sweden - YES! My tip to win, despite the ropey clip.

Or Rik blimming Mayall, for that matter. Ever had the feeling you've been cheated?

Pfffft. That WAS Cher, right?

Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. As ever.

WE! WANT! ABBA!

...and I accidentally voted for Estonia as well. No matter. WHERE'S ABBA?

Hi Todd in San Francisco! Are you getting TV coverage over there, or are you relying on me to paint pictures in words?

After the rampant erotica that WAS Deen, I need that third glass.

I thought this would be a breath of a fresh air. Actually, it's a bit of a let-down. Third and last desire/fire rhyme of the night - savour it while it lasts. Otherwise, forgettable. OK, who are we voting for? I'm going for Cyprus and the Ukraine.

Pass the poppers! It's little Deen and his exposed nips! Trashy as hell, but only the most joyless of curmudgeons could fail to be charmed. Dead cert qualifier.

Hello Miffy! Hello Annette! (At last, a female viewer declares herself.)

Chig, Gay Times' man in Istanbul, thinks this will win. I disagree, strongly, despite an impressive vocal performance. Not a great fan of gypsy violins at the best of times.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Madam Mince! I'm on fire with desire! Nice to see early 80s mono-colour making a comeback. And OFF comes the jacket. What with the key change and the flamenco guitar, I make that a record FOUR sips in three minutes (see drinking game below). Borderline, I'd say.

More dull competence, I'm afraid. I expect brillance, ridiculousness or both. This has neither. One of tonight's better singers, though - it would be churlish to deny him that.

Hello courtenay in Nottingham! Hello Gary in Dublin!

I've been tipped off about the drummer. Keith Flint out of the Prodigy, have you been at the pies in the seven years since your last album?

I love the raw open-throatiness of the five singers. Something of Les Mystere des Voix Bulgares about them. Still sounds like more of an interval act than a proper song, but I love this sort of stuff. See you on Saturday, ladies?

Back in three, mmkay?

These two performers are GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW, with last year's winner, Sertab, as bridesmaid, I think. Great gimmick, but will it be enough?

*pauses on the way to the bog*

Nope. It won't.

...with little Deen (sic) from Bosnia. I'm sure I've seen her down NG1 before.

From two of the best, to this frightful turkey. Oh my Lord, they're extracting scarlet ribbons from the singer's heavily ruched creation. It's not enough. Not nearly enough. Not a cat's chance in hell.

A BIG fan fave, and a British singer (Lisa from Kent) with a faint hint of La Streisand about her.

Flippin heck, this is in another class altogether. A truly emotional delivery, beautifully performed and sung. No backers, no gimmicks, just sheer brilliance. A star is born. Possible winner on Saturday?

My third favourite tonight now moves up into second place, ahead of Belarus. Just a great song, and a hugely likeable, winning performance - not overstated - which allows me to forgive the rough vocal edges. Eurovision at its best, and a great gospelly finish.

Hmm. I can't help feeling that they're, well, an UNLIKELY couple, shall we say. It's Limahl in a strippogram costume, coupled with a Proper Lady in another assymetric bias cut, this time in flaming fuschia. Ooh, where did his big pink love heart come from? Nope, dud.

Sorry, were you expecting urbane eloquence? I have gravely misled you.

I'm going to concentrate properly on this one.

OH.

FUCK.

YES.

I could turn, you know. I could. Ruslana is ravishingly gorgeous. And there are WHIPS! I am quite overcome. WINNER. GODDESS. GENIUS.

I shall attempt to return to objectivity forthwith.

Sakis! Moy luvvah! Shake it, baby!

And, yes, I can confirm that we have our first fire/desire rhyme of the night.

Despite being, how you say, Easy On The Eye, Sakis just can't cut it vocally. He's not controlling his breathing properly.

And OFF comes the jacket, and OUT come the invisible lesbian drummers. Pure sex. He might do it on looks alone, but on nothing else. Overrated.

Second glass of wine. Pacing is everything.

Well, it's drearily competent, isn't it? Not what we want at all. This is going to get buried in the rush.

The spirit of Renee & Renato lives on, in a lilac assymetric bias cut and a nice crisp white shirt. (I shall NOT descend into Waiter jokes. Too early.)

The operatic mid-section is a work of genius. And all finished off with a tender peck on the shoulder from Ludwig. I've always liked the Maltese entries - they have a charm of their own.

Kat Slater is in the green room, leading an impromptu singalong of Stand By Me. Has she learnt NOTHING from the Volare experience earlier?

David from Israel is now giving us another blast of his Nomi-esque pipes.

For most of the rest of Yoo-rop, that was an ad break. It's probably only BBC3 viewers who saw that.

You might just pick up the title of this one. I think it might be called Foi Magia.

Hi Nixon! Hi Nigel! Hi Diamond Geezer! Hi Luca! Hi Christian! Anyone else watching? Elsie, are you there?

Beautiful star-shaped hand choreography there. Not the complete car-crash that I had been led to expect. Portugal have had a hopeless track record in recent years, so, having just been to Lisbon, I hope they get through. Obrigado!

And this year's BIG fashion story from Andorra: midnight blue baby-doll nighties with silver lame flares. Christ, the wind has changed and I'm STUCK in Bitchy Queen mode for the rest of the night, I fear.

Andorra's dentists don't get paid enough, do they?

Horribly off-key. They'll be battling Latvia for the Jemini Award.

Nope. Out you go.

Oh cripes, another "peace anthemn" from Israel. They never learn, do they?

But you've got to hand it to David - that's quite a set of pipes he's got on him. Shades of Klaus Nomi there. It's oddly likeable, isn't it? Or have my few remaining aesthetics been fatally corroded over the many years of exposure to this sort of thing?

Oh. NO, love. Don't swap to that lower register, you warbling Israeli songthrush.

I think it will get through.

Mummy, he scares me. Could this be this year's inaugural recipient of the Jemini Award for hideously off-key vocalising? Not a cat's chance in hell from last year's proud hosts. Besides which, ESC and soft-rawk have never really mixed, have they?

Is that the surviving member of Milli Vanilli on "guitar duties"? He certainly has the voice to match.

It really is the Worst! Chorus! Evah!, n'est-ce pas? I think that the Swiss are going for a repeat of Tanel & Dave's Estonian victory from a couple of years ago.

10 out of 10 for sheer exuberance and enthusiasm, as my old music master would have said.

The choreography has completely fallen apart. Nope, no chance. Surely?

One of my absolute faves, this has been stuck on my mental jukebox all week.

All together now: Magga Lee Lay Low...

Yes. That definitely passed muster. The first definite qualifier?

The bitchy queen in me is coming out already. Shiz a bit hamster cheeked, intshi? This is the guy who was spotted spending literally thousands in Gucci last week. Where did it all go, I wonder?

Not quite as Marc Almond-esque as I was expecting.

Oh, love, DON'T dance. Leave that to your professionals.

The presenters really do look like a poshed up Kat Slater and Leonard Cohen, don't they? Or is she more of a Karen from Will & Grace?

Oh God, "comedy rapport" already. First sip, drinkers.

I've just seen someone I know in the crowd! Already! Hello, Marcus K-P from Bristol!

Eek! Here we go! Phones off the hook! For the next two hours, NOTHING ELSE IN LIFE MATTERS.

Of the 22 songs you hear tonight, 10 will be selected for the finals on Saturday, giving each song almost a 50% chance of success. Based on the buzz from Istanbul, the biggest dead cert tonight is Ukraine's Ruslana, with Wild Dances, and the rank outsiders are Portugal, with the hopeless Foi Magia. There WON'T be a scoreboard tonight; the 10 winners will merely be announced in random order, with much use of shuffled white envelopes. And there will be ABBA. Well, after a fashion. Your toilet break tonight is Song 16: Slovenia's Stay Forever. Iron bladders, people.

Oh, and there WON'T be any Wogan until Saturday. Tonight's host on BBC3 is the wonderful Paddy O'Connell, of Celebdaq and Liquid News almost-fame.

4 minutes!

As the show progresses, the more reckless amongst you might like to play the following drinking game. TAKE ONE SIP whenever you spot one of the following:

A key change.
Flamenco guitars.
Strategic costume removal.
Male nipples.
"Fye-ya" rhymed with "diz-eye-ya".
The word "corazon". (This always crops up somewhere.)
The sound of lesbian drummers. (There's a lot of that this year.)
A cringingly unfunny joke between the presenters which dies on its arse.
Operatics OR yodelling.
A bouzouki OR any other indigenous "ethnic" instrument.
An "invented" language.

There, that should get you plastered within the first half hour.

Some useful background resource materials for you. All links open in a new window.

Lyrics to all of this year's songs.
An on-the-spot summary from the rehearsals in Istanbul.
My own song-by-song preview.

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Cheers! Happy Eurovision, everyone!

Good evening, readers. You join me here on the sofa in Nottingham, already a quivering mass of nervous expectation, with this year's ESC semis only 30 minutes away. Be still, my beating heart!

OK, Mike. Calm professional detachment. Breathe in...breathe out...

K has gone over to the cottage for the night, as there's a very important meeting in the village, all to do with plans for rebuilding the memorial hall. I should really be there - talk about conflicting priorities - but I have sent my excuses. They should know me well enough by now.

I might be having the odd little drink or two as the evening progresses. You'll be probably be able to tell by the steadily increasing number of exclamation marks. Always a dead giveaway. You could probably plot a graph.

OK, time to uncork the bottle. Back in a bit. A bientot. Bis bald.

I've had several ideas for posts knocking around in my head over the past couple of days - but, well, they've all been a bit serious and downbeat, and quite out of keeping with the feverish festive jollity that is Eurovision Week. So let's bow to the inevitable instead, and get ourselves in the mood for tonight's semi-finals with some more top Eurovision linkage. Woo!

1. Today's top news story: the BBC have been running an online poll to choose the backdrop location for Saturday night's UK televoting results, to be announced by dear old Auntie Lorraine Kelly. And, with a whopping 42% of the vote, the winning location is... Old Compton Street. "These results have been passed onto the Eurovision producer," it says. Hmmm. Is that code for "Not on your nelly; we're going for Big Ben, like we always do" ?

2. Preview videos for all of this year's songs can be found here.

3. Meet your Turkish hosts: Jessie Wallace and Leonard Cohen. (Then keep following the "next" links, for some truly jaw-dropping pictures from yesterday's dress rehearsal. All further comment is quite superfluous.)

4. To commemorate the 30th anniversary of ABBA's 1974 Eurovision win with Waterloo, a specially made video will be screened tonight, featuring new input from all four members of the band. Billed as "ABBA's Last Video", it should be screened after all the songs have been performed, and before the results of the voting are announced. There, that's got you interested at last!

I'll be back around 19:30, for live, breathless, exclamation-mark packed commentary on tonight's semi-finals.

Having just completed the technical dry run in the downstairs sitting room, I can now announce that Troubled Diva will be blogged LIVE from the Eurovision semi-finals on Wednesday night.

OK, so I won't actually be in Istanbul itself; instead, through the miracle of digital technology, I will be sitting on the sofa in front of the live coverage on BBC3, using a dial-up connection on my laptop (we tried hooking it up to broadband, but lacked a vital widget).

So, from around 19:30 to a little bit after 22:00, you'll be able to THRILL to all the action, song by song, LITERALLY AS IT HAPPENS. Hey, who needs Wogan when Troubled Diva is at hand?

Update: This year's statutory "why I like Eurovision" defensive screed can be found in the comments, replying to Eric's question.

Cristina - Is That All There Is? (1980)



Back in March 2002, this was the first item ever to be placed in the Old Curiosity Box. Over two years later, I still receive regular e-mail requests for it. And now, on the strength of last week's poll, three of you have specifically requested it. Nigel, PB Curtis and groc - this is for you.

Here's what I said about this track last time round:

Gordon Snowgoon has created a test blog using the new Blogger interface, thus allowing you to have a little play with Blogger's newly introduced comments system. Snap verdict: I'm not too keen.

Update (1): Too late - Gordon has now removed the comments. In summary:

• They don't appear in a pop-up window; instead, the original post is appended to the comments input screen.
• Too many screens to go through when leaving a comment; somewhat tedious if things have slowed down a bit.
• The commenter's name can only link to his/her Blogger user profile: a new feature which seems to be trying to introduce some "social networking" facilities, rather along the lines of Livejournal. It also seems to be a stab at creating a gated Blogger "community"; a concept which does rather annoy me. (Here's my profile; try clicking on some of the better known "favourite music" links to get more of an idea. Best feature: new stats counts for your blog, such as the total number of words; it turns out that I've written over 500,000 so far.)
• The only other option is to comment anonymously - surely not something to be encouraged?
• The "preview" mode can't cope with line breaks; however, line breaks do appear correctly after the comment has been published.
• Simple HTML is supported.
• Blogger commenting is apparently only supported if you switch to a new system of permalinks which, when followed, display one post only on a page - rather like most Moveable Type blogs. (This also happens to be a pet peeve of mine; I actually want to be plunged right into the middle of a page of other unrelated posts.)

Diamond Geezer has more to say on the revamp in general.

Update (2): Here's an index of all the new standard template designs. A few strike me as a bit like those naff old "themes" in MS Front Page 98; most of the others look pretty darned slick, especially when compared to the old selection of standard Blogger templates. Anyhow, doubtless we'll soon be seeing them popping up all over the place, so best get used to them...