Yikes, where did the time go? I've got to be out of the cottage in forty minutes, I haven't run the bath yet... and I'm blogging instead. If I miss that plane, then it will all be your fault. You do know that, don't you?

Blogging will continue while I'm in Hangzhou, although I probably won't have much chance to read anybody else's.

I'm back in the UK on Saturday January 7th. I'll also be out of e-mail contact for the duration, at least on my home address; however, my work e-mail address will still be active, for those of you who know it.

What an adventure!

Please be nice to K when I'm away.

(Disc One is here.)

1. I'm In The Mood For Dancing - The Nolans.

As I found out when handing the mix CDs over to Maureen (or is it Doreen?) earlier in the week, the disco dancing will actually be interspersed with an eclectic variety of live musical entertainment, provided by various friends of the brides. (The brides have a lot of musical friends. That's musical, not "musical". Well, that as well. Oh, you know what I'm saying.)

It is therefore fairly unlikely that every track on every CD will get played - thus putting paid to the worst of my Control Freak notions (see previous post). In which case, it might be an idea to skip straight to the start of Disc Two, where the ever-fragrant Nolan sisters are already "in the mood" for dancing. With an invitation like that, who could refuse?

2. 9 To 5 - Dolly Parton.

This song has loomed large over Nottingham gay nightlife for the past two or three years, by means of a rather cheap and nasty dance remix which speeds dear old Dolly up to positively Smurf-esque levels. This, needless to say, is the original. Absolute guaranteed floor-filler.

3. If I Had A Hammer - Trini Lopez.

A little indulgence, as I used to play this out a lot at my Stop Clause 28 benefit nights, usually nestling somewhere in the vicinity of "La Bamba" and "Hot Hot Hot".

4. Reet Petite - Jackie Wilson.

One of the wedding guests had a Top 50 hit in the UK singles charts with a cover of this, as credited to a couple of dancing pigs called Pinky and Perky. He did the music, the speeded-up voices, everything. He doesn't talk about it much, though. Hi, Paul!

5. You Never Can Tell - Chuck Berry.

"It was a teenage wedding, and the old folks wished them well... "C'est la vie", say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell."

I'm getting visions of lines of wise old grandmas in the corner, nodding and smiling and waggling their fingers at the happy couple. Ee, Doris, who'd have thought it forty years ago? That we should have lived to see the day!

6. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham!

The last time I put a mix CD together for a disco - which turned out to be a good 50% teenage lesbians, but that's another story - this was the biggest floor-filler. Mine not to question why, but I'm hoping for a repeat success.

7. Love Shack - The B-52's.

Personally, I've always find this more than a little irritating. But then, one or two key tracks aside, I've always found The B-52's a little irritating. (Wacky! and Kooky! don't really do it for me.) Still, no wedding disco complete without, etc etc. I'm mixing out of this at the false ending, straight into...

8. Hey Ya! - Outkast.

...which makes for a very effective follow-on. This is the last of the run of ultra-uptempo tracks, as we slide into...

9. Take Your Mama - Scissor Sisters.

Something has just occurred to me. Of the four contemporary tunes thus far, three (Darkness, Timberlake, Scissors) have recently been performed on the telly by Shayne from X-Factor. How bizarre. I have no ready explanation for this.

10. Love The One You're With - Isley Brothers.

Time for a brief respite from the cheese. This might clear the floor - but then again, Will Young covered it on his second album, so the recognition factor may still be high. Works well rhythmically after the Scissors.

11. Justified And Ancient - The KLF featuring Tammy Wynette.

Another special request from the brides, who know it simply as "Moo Moo Land".

12. A Little Respect - Erasure.

Hurrah, it's the Late 1980s Pop section! Which continues with...

13. Take On Me - A-ha.
14. Open Your Heart - Madonna.
15. I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany.

Cripes, is that the time? To coin a phrase, I shouldn't be sitting here and talking to you like this. Not when there are garments to be folded. So let's quickly whizz through the rest of Disc Two, which is entirely devoted to late 1970s disco. If all goes well, then tracks 18 through 20 should induce a particuarly Loved-up Communal Sisterhood vibe...

16. Knock On Wood - Amii Stewart.
17. Blame It On The Boogie - The Jacksons.
18. Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now - McFadden & Whitehead.
19. We Are Family - Sister Sledge.
20. Love Train - The O'Jays.
21. Don't Leave Me This Way - Thelma Houston.
22. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor.
23. Feel The Need In Me - Detroit Emeralds.

To be continued - but only if I get a break from the garment-folding.

Channelling the spirit of Jarvis Cocker, Thursday night down The Foresters, twenty to two in the morning, shit-faced on cooking lager, lost in own private universe during the "27 Seconds Instrumental Interlude".


Frankly darlings, the only honourable option is to leave the country.

(Photo courtesy of Miss Mish.)

Last night's itinerary: straight bar, tranny bar (*), gay bar, lesbian bar. How very inclusive. But just how did I end up singing karaoke in the lesbian bar at twenty to two in the morning, keeping my friends hanging around WAY past their bedtimes, politely waiting until my number came up?

I believe there might be photographic evidence. Let's just hope it never surfaces.

(What's that? You want to know what song? Let's just say that it was wildly inappropriate, and that its wild inappropriateness only dawned on me halfway through the first verse. Stony faces all round. Probably. If I had dared to look at them. All very Phoenix Nights.)

A nice night, but this has got to stop. Get me on that slow boat to China.

---

(*) Well, I say "tranny bar", but that's stretching the definition somewhat. Remember George's Bar in Broad Street: Nottingham's last outpost of true Bohemia, which closed its doors for good at the start of the year? Well, the regulars all had a bit of a reunion last night: on the site of the original George's, which has been knocked through into the Revolution franchise next door. (Every major city in the UK has got one now. Worse luck.)

Yup, we're talking serious Circuit Drinking territory here: vast armies of bar staff, all pouring gallons of fluorescent industrial chemicals into vast buckets and swilling them around before decanting them into gigantic glass tumblers and charging a small fortune for them. A glimpse into another world. How we shuddered.

Thankfully, the old George's crowd managed to commandeer a whole section of the "old" territory, approximately where the loos used to be, well away from the ebb and flow of the Pride Of Nottingham binge drinkers. (Binge drinking? We'd never do that.) All my favourite trannies were out in force, including the (very) senior member of the community in her usual teensy-weensy micro-skirt, and the charming couple who use kettles for handbags, all fighting to be heard over the hideous hardcore breakbeat cover versions of "Whole Lotta Love" and "The Sound Of Silence" (ha ha, very funny). It was all a far cry from Ethel Merman's Disco Album and dancing on the tables to the Chicago soundtrack.

Through the newly installed skylight, we could look up and see Alan's bathroom window, three storeys up. "Shall I go upstairs and piss on everyone?", he quipped. No, dear. Best leave that for another night.

Earlier in the week, I linked to an old photo gallery on Hydragenic, containing some magnificent views of the centre of Nottingham.

Hydragenic's latest Nottingham photo gallery tells quite a different story.

I have a bit of a head today. I know, I know, nothing new there - but this is a different kind of head. Thicker, blunter, stupider. And I only even had half a glass.

Getting ahead of myself already. Let's backtrack.

K has lunch at the Man Ho restuarant about once a week, as his business partner has been a regular there for years. (Word to me homies: top of Hockley, where it meets Pelham Street. Yeah, that one.) So when the subject of my imminent business trip came up, the manager's wife kindly offered to lay on a special "Hangzhou menu" for the two of us, comprising local specialities that don't appear on their English language menu.

(Incidentally, I do love it when Chinese restaurants grant you access to their "Chinese only" menus. They sometimes take a little persuading, as they tend to be of the opinion that no English person could possibly want to be so adventurous - but if you've got to know them over time, then you'll stand a better chance.)

All I can say is this: if I eat even half as well when I'm over there, then I'm in for an extended culinary treat. (Although judging by some of his blog postings over the past few weeks, I can hear my colleague JP's hollow laugh from here.)

Our three main courses were as follows:

• Tung Pau Yuk: Chunks of belly pork fat, slow-cooked for five or six hours until they become all soft and tender and caramelised and sweet and gooey, with the most heavenly concentration of flavour.
• Sunn Hou Kok: deep-fried garlic ribs with five-spice seasoning.
• Shanghai Noodles: long, fat, slippery and glistening, tubular in shape, and served with strips of meat and steamed vegetables.

While we ate, the manager and his wife took it in turns to come and chat to us. The manager's wife had brought a photo album along to show me, consisting of photos from her trip to Hangzhou and Shanghai over the spring. This afforded me my first glimpse of Hangzhou's major tourist attraction, the West Lake. It looked beautiful, dotted with pagodas and bridges, and with mountains in the background.

K looked up at me with wide-eyed amazement. "I had no idea that where you were going was so beautiful. You'll have a wonderful time. I love the Far East. Wish I was going with you."

(Did I mention that we looked into this? But with K's company entering a crucial stage of its development, the timing isn't right.)

The manager wrote down the names of our three dishes on a piece of card, so that I could point to them in restaurants. What with this and the "flash cards" that we're issued with, to show to taxi drivers when we want to get to the office or to our apartments, I'm going to be doing a lot of pointing.

A quick language lesson ensued. As a result, I can now say "hello", "how are you" and "thank you" in Mandarin. (Or was it Cantonese? Nope, Mandarin. I've got a lot to learn.) But only if I get the intonations right, of course. God knows what vile oaths I might be uttering otherwise. I bet that puns are big in China; there's so much scope.

At the end of the meal, an elaborately cut bottle of rice wine was produced, still in its presentation box, and complementary glasses were poured for us with some degree of ceremony.

"Very strong!", we were told. "50 percent! Very special flavour! It stays with you!"

About ten years ago, in the flock-covered dining room of possibly - hopefully - the last hotel in England which still subscribed to the Fawlty Towers management style (dinner at 7pm sharp, fixed menu, no choice of dishes), the ex-military owner served us with bowls of a "Chinese kidney soup" which looked and smelt exactly like hot urine. It was quite the most disgusting liquid I had ever tasted.

This was worse.

"I can't drink this!", I hissed at K. "They'll be so offended. What can I do?"

"Wait till their backs are turned, then swap your glass for my empty one. I'll polish it off. I actually quite like it."

"You like it?", asked the manager, collecting the empty glasses. "Give me the card, and I'll write the name down for you: Wu Liang Ye. Now you can enjoy it wherever you go."



Oh, bloody great. I know exactly how this is going to pan out when I'm over there. I'm going to end up with a bloody cocktail cabinet full of the stuff, aren't I?

By this time, K was pie-eyed and burbling. I don't think I have ever seen anyone get drunk quite so quickly. Christ, I felt bad enough; and that was just from the half glass that I'd managed to force down without gagging.

We staggered home, talking shit and giggling, as the vile flavour of the wine "repeated" itself in my mouth, bringing fresh waves of nausea with every gastric lurch.

Four cigarettes later, and all I had to show for my efforts was a mouth like an ashtray, and the same bloody taste, undimmed by my attempts at flushing it out with a cocktail of carcinogenic toxins. Very special flavour; it stays with you. Sheesh, they weren't wrong.

It is now almost exactly forty-eight hours until my plane takes off. (Perhaps by then, the taste will finally have left my system. Yes, even as I type.)

None of it seems real yet. I can't get my head around it at all. But I'm glad that last night at least gave me a hint of what's in store.

I've written a guest post for the spiffing "Review 2005" series over at Feeling Listless, which has been running all month. Like all the other contributors, my brief was to pick a moment from the year when I finally did something I had always wanted to do.

Some have used this as an opportunity to talk, movingly, about parenthood, personal development, or the achievement of a long-held professional ambition.

As for me, I've just blathered on about making lists. On a site called, um, Feeling Listless. How marvellously conceptually dissonant.

1. Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Andy Williams.

I'm giving the brides - let's call them Maureen and Doreen - strict instructions to start playing these three CDs EXACTLY four hours before chucking-out time at the Polish Centre. Also, the CDs MUST be played in the correct order, and NOBODY is allowed to fiddle around with them once they've started playing.

(You know those annoying bossy people at parties who commandeer YOUR hi-fi, and start skipping tracks halfway through, in order to find some "proper music"? Well, we'll have none of that here, thank you. I might be on the other side of the world when all this is going on, but I can still exert some control. After all, the BEST fun is ORGANISED FUN. Oh yes.)

So, providing that my instructions are followed TO THE LETTER, this should serve as Maureen and Doreen's official First Dance. Everybody say Aah...

2. Love Is In The Air - John Paul Young.

...after which the floor will slowly fill with soft-shoe shufflers, surrounding the happy couple as they daintily step out to this middle-of-the-road "guilty pleasure". How ever so romantic.

3. Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Dame Elton of John, and not forgetting the little lady with the big voice, Miss Kiki Dee.

Keeping it smooth and sweet, and gently funky in a Port And Lemon At The Rotary Club Dinner Dance stylee.

4. I Only Want To Be With You - Dusty Springfield.

DYKEON ALERT! DYEKON ALERT! ALL LADY-LOVING LADIES TO THE DANCEFLOOR NOW!

5. Mamma Mia - Abba.

A wedding disco ain't a wedding disco without Abba, so let's get them out of the way nice and early. I rejected "Dancing Queen" for being, as Grandmaster Flash used to say a "used groove", so have opted for something perky and bouncy and up-beat instead.

6. Sunday Girl - Blondie.

These are all light, breezy, tuneful selections, designed to entice people off their seats with the minimum of duress. Nothing too full-on as yet; it's still early, and we fortysomethings have to deploy our energies sparingly.

7. Brown-Eyed Girl - Van Morrison.

Some Real Music for the Dads, who have been nursing their first after-dinner pints for long enough. At do's like this, you need good strong recognisable intros, to drag people up on their feet without having to weigh up the Pros and Cons.

8. Let's Stick Together - Bryan Ferry.

"And now the marriage vow is very sacred..." I've gone for Blindingly Obvious Lyrical Relevance in a major way with these mixes. Well, you can't have any heartbreak songs on a day like this, can you?

9. I Believe In A Thing Called Love - The Darkness.

Hello, Young People! We haven't forgotten you! The first song to be taken from the last 25 years brings us bang up to date with today's modern chart sounds. Well, as far as autumn 2003, at any rate. For a wedding disco, that's positively upfront.

10. Rebel Rebel - David Bowie.

OK Young People, you can sit yourselves down again. Thank you for your valued contribution.

11. Step On - Happy Mondays.

In which ex-raver uncles hunch their bodies forwards at disc-slipping angles, and throw interesting "shapes", of the big-fish little-fish cardboard-box Ooh Missus Where's Me Maracas variety. Ee, that Bez on Celebrity Big Brother, national treasure or what, yeah I went down the Hacienda in 1991 it were Top, etc etc.

12. Rock DJ - Robbie Williams.

Ah, Robbie Williams: one of those acts which only the general public seem to like. My partner's parents' best friends employed him in their shop as a Saturday Boy, you know. Yes, thought you'd be impressed. I'm doing a slow tempo-build here, leading nicely into...

13. Rock Your Body - Justin Timberlake.

Back in the public consciousness, thanks to its performance by fresh-faced obedient twink Shayne out of X-Factor. (Prediction: he'll come second, do exactly what he's told for 18 months, and have four or five hits before slipping away into the twilight world of reality TV renta-celeb-ism.)

14. You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate.

You have to have this one. It's the law. This was considered quite cheeky at my 13th birthday party.

15. December '63 (Oh What A Night) - The Four Seasons.

Another statutory must.

16. The Tide Is High - Blondie.

Momentary optimism from the Young People: "Oh wicked, Atomic Kitten." Nuh-uh, fooled you. Index fingers ready for the "Number One" bit, boys and girls!

17. La Isla Bonita - Madonna.

"Last night I dreamt of some Dago... young girl with eyes like potatoes... tropical the island breeze... something something something Spanish lullaby."

18. Killer - Adamski.

Sudden change of pace SHOCKAH. A special request from the brides, this one. "Racism amongst future kings can only lead to no good..." Oh, it's that weird slow bit in the middle. Quickety-quick, mix straight into...

19. Groove Is In The Heart - Deee-Lite.

I'm seeing a packed dancefloor for this one. Ever seen it clear a room? No, thought not. It's one of those "smash and grab in case of emergency" type tunes.

20. Manic Monday - The Bangles.

Actually, this could all too easily clear the floor. What on earth is this one doing here? Well, too late to change now: the CDs are burnt and wrapped - with strict DO NOT OPEN UNTIL THE DAY ITSELF instructions - and I'm handing them over to Maureen (or is it Doreen?) in ten minutes' time.

21. When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going - Billy Ocean.

Hot Chocolate, Billy Ocean... why, it could be Larry Levan at the Paradise Garage. Disco will never die!

22. The Only Way Is Up - Yazz & The Plastic Population.

One for the "Stop Clause 28" crowd who used to come to my club nights in 1988 (and there will be several in attendance), where this ruled the floor for weeks. Don't forget to punch the air in the right place, folks. "The only way is up... *PUNCH*..." Oh, we haven't changed a bit actually actually I think you'll find. Stand Up For Your Love Rights!

23. In The Middle Of Nowehere - Dusty Springfield.

Otherwise known as the theme tune from Smack The Pony, this brings Disc One to a close.

To be continued.

Today, I was going to post a list of Troubled Diva's Most Clicked Links of 2005 - or more exactly from March 7th onwards, which is when I installed MyBlogLog. However, it's such a boringly
predictable list that I'm not going to bother after all.

(OK, just one: the most popular link was Big Blogger 2005, which notched up 619 clicks.)

Instead, I have selected 16 links which have only been clicked once - generally because they were posted prior to March 2005 - in order to give them a second chance.

These have all been hand-picked for your re-enjoyment, and should therefore be clicked upon by absolutely everybody.

The list is arranged in no particular order of preference.

1. Conservative Pop Music? The Top 40 of the Top 40.
The text of a bizarre speech, which selects - in all seriousness - forty "conservative classics from the rock era", with full explanations for each choice. Who says the Devil has all the best tunes? Or something.

2. The Search For Love In Manhattan: In the lesbians' bathroom. (Thursday February 06, 2003)
In which Faustus M.D. recounts his experience as a sperm donor, via the medium of popular song. (I know a similar story about this, involving one of K's ex-girlfriends and one of his ex-flatmates, but it's sadly not mine to tell. Ask me about it the next time I see you.)

3. Welshcake: Dear, dear Johnny...
In which former thesp Duncan recounts a couple of choice anecdotes about the late Sir John Gielgud.

4. Mixmeister Express 6: free trial download.
Ever wondered what software I use to make those podcasts and megamixes? Here it is. Full purchase highly recommended.

5. Heinrich Hoffmann's Struwwelpeter.
A web-enabled version of the classic compendium of lurid cautionary tales for children, complete with original illustrations. (As a little lad, I used to read these over and over again, absorbing their stern moral messages as I went along.) If pushed for time, then The Story of Little Suck-a-Thumb gives as good a flavour as any.

6. Gayle - Gay South African Slang.
Sure, you're fluent in Polari - but what about its even camper South African equivalent, where every word is rendered as a girl's name? Read and digest, and then you too will be able to tell your Cora Doras from your Olga Pandoras.

7. Hydragenic: Nottingham Gallery, October 2002.
Gorgeous images of my home city, as taken by former resident Stuart Hg. Start here and follow the links...

8. Jenny Holzer: Believe?
A collection of slogans from the American conceptual artist, some of which were issued as stickers by The Face magazine in the 1980s. (I used to have "Abuse Of Power Comes As No Surprise" on my 12-inch singles DJ box.)

9. Civil partnership: legal recognition for same-sex couples.
Contains everything you need to know from the official point of view. For more information, I recommend the current (December 2005) issue of Gay Times, which is most thorough on the subject. (For instance, did you know that a civil partnership registration will render your existing will null and void?)

10. Alan Duncan MP: The Legalisation of Drugs.
Arguments in favour of legalisation, from the Shadow Secretary of State for Trade and Industry. My only criticism is that he misses a couple of extra points.

11. LeftLion: Nottingham Culture Online.
Online version of the groovy local freesheet, aimed at the hip young gun-slingers of the East Midlands.

12. Psychology of Cyberspace: The Online Disinhibition Effect.
A classic text, full of wisdom for would-be "confessional" bloggers, which seeks to explain just why we are so tempted to let it all hang out in front of a potential audience of millions.

13. Sierra Leone Web: Krio Proverbs And Stories.
Krio is Sierra Leone's equivalent of Creole/Patois/Pidgin, with some marvellously expressive proverbs all of its own, and here are some examples (sadly in PDF format).

14. London Review Of Books: Classified Personals.
The legendarily witty and inventive Personal Ads column is still going strong. Makes a refreshing change from GWM WLTM similar w.GSOH ALAWP no timewasters fatties femmes or freaks.

15. The World, Backwards: The Trap Snaps and That's That.
"The eyes always averted, a brief glance and then set dead ahead. A torment I’m so inured to that the pain is all but theoretical. I know I’ve nothing to offer, beergut and sweaty forehead and eyes the wrong side of wild." Confessional blogging at its finest, from TV's Mr. Noodle Vague.

16. They're Made Out Of Meat, by Terry Bisson.
So old it's got whiskers on, but no less wonderful for all that. Sooner or later, everyone on the Internet stumbles across this one. Now it's your turn.

Please leave your nominated posts in the comments box below.

Note that, unlike in previous weeks, these nominations won't be copied and pasted to the blog proper; I won't have the time while I'm away.

On Saturday January 14th, I'll go through the nominations, and will select a shortlist of 20 posts. My two fellow judges and I will then cast our votes from that list (which won't be made public).

If you'd like to be a judge over the weekend of January 14th/15th, then please e-mail me at mikejla@btinternet.com.

With seventeen posts up for consideration (nine of them nominated by myself, in a sudden rash of enthusiasm), we had something of a bumper crop last week. My thanks to asta and Gordon for wading through them; we all agreed that this was a particularly tough selection to rank.

So, what themes cropped up this time? Inevitably, Christmas made its first appearance: trees were chosen, compilation CDs were marketed, and an unexpected wish list was made for Santa.

Celebs had a rough time of it: we bitched about a duck-faced actress and a podgy crooner on the verge of a comeback, and got an insider's lowdown on the perils of shagging movie stars.

There was a strong showing from the Comedy Lobby, with tales of arsey hair salons, sexually incontinent students, and a comedy club audience with Other Things on its mind - not to mention a full dramatic reconstruction of a well known nursery rhyme.

We fell in love - or did we? We conquered stress - but in a way that you won't find in any self-help manuals. We bade farewell to a much-loved London institution. We established ground rules for reading in public. And we saw red, gold and green in the queue at the Post Office.

As for the winner, it was neck-and-neck between the two posts which picked up votes from all three judges. In second position: Etcher's fine, almost dream-like depiction of a day spent wandering the streets of a big city, which reminded me of similar days spent in West Berlin, many years ago.

However, just one point ahead, we have one of two nominees from the superb selection of "Review 2005" guest posts at feeling listless, which are running all the way through December. (Introduction and full list of contributors thus far is here.) So let's hear it for this week's winner...

feeling listless: Causality and the Invisible Girl.

And that's your lot for now: Post of the Week is taking a break for a few weeks, as I'll be flying to China next weekend and will have limited web access thereafter.

The next round of nominations will commence on Monday January 9th. So if you spot any exceptional posts between now and then, please hang onto them - as posts from the entire intervening period will be deemed eligible.