The 40 In 40 Days Project.
 

27. The Royal Procession (1972)

Main Index

The Au Pairs
The Step-stepfather
The Simulated Wank
The Toy Store
The First Single
The Queeny Put-Down
The First Hissy Fit
The First Gay Club
The Rent Boy
The Heterosexual Phase
The Lifestyle Switch
The Empty Floor
The First Poem
The Amsterdam Weekend
The First Time
The Perfect Moment
The Year In Berlin
The Trade Years
The First Memory
The Anniversary Party
The Incompetencies
The Pricking Of The Bubble
The Club Residencies
The "Tales of the City" House
The Musical Epiphany
The Worst Thing I Ever Did To Anyone
The Royal Procession
The Parental Disclosure
The Concept Albums
The Romantic Obsession
The Failure
The Apotheosis of Queer
The Shove From Above
The Interrogation
The Professional Rut
The Rebirthday
The First Boyfriend
The "Catharsis Of Joy"
The Funeral Address
The Falling In Love

Chronological Index

troubled diva

My mother’s father really was quite posh. A QC, who presided over the old Quarter Sessions in the county of Dorset, he also took his turn as Master of the Inner Temple, and was later appointed Commons Commissioner. In the early 1980s, he was awarded an MVO (Member of the Royal Victorian Order) in the New Year’s Honours list. Other memberships included the Athenaeum club, and the Royal College of Arms, where he bore the title of Norfolk Herald Extraordinary.

In his role as Norfolk Herald Extraordinary, my grandfather had to undertake various processional duties at major state ceremonies. His ceremonial dress included a splendid tabard, bearing the royal coat of arms, along with a sword, black leggings and buckled shoes. You can easily find him in footage of Sir Winston Churchill's funeral in 1965, and the 1969 investiture of the Prince of Wales. However, his two regular gigs were the State Opening of Parliament and the annual Garter Ceremony.

One year, it was decided that I was old enough to come down to Windsor Castle with my mother, in order to watch my grandfather take part in the royal procession that accompanied the Garter Ceremony. However, on the day in question, it was raining heavily – so heavily that the usual procession was cancelled. In its place, there would be a procession of cars along the same route.

And so it came to pass that young Master Michael Slater, sitting with his mother and grandfather in their chauffeur driven car (hired for the day from Godfrey Davis), got to take part in a formal royal procession, past thousands of cheering onlookers, through the streets of Windsor.

At the age of ten, it has to be said that I did bear a very, very slight resemblance to the young Prince Andrew (who cut a considerably slimmer figure in those days). Slight, but still enough for a group of several dozen Brownies to mistake me for the Prince as our car rolled by, and to start cheering and vigorously waving their Union Jacks at me. To which I automatically responded – as if to the manner born – by regally waving back from the rear passenger window, in that customary “slow windscreen wiper” fashion for which our royal family has become famous.

After the ceremony, the three of us attended a drinks party at one of the houses within the grounds of Windsor Castle, hosted by one of the Sergeants of Arms (or something similar – my memory fails me on this point). It was attended by most of the people who had taken part in the procession – Clarenceaux Kings of Arms rubbing shoulders with Rouge Dragon Pursuivants, that sort of thing. It was a terribly, terribly posh party – the poshest I have ever attended.

However, for young Master Michael Slater, the party came as something of a disappointment. Frankly, he was expecting something grander. He was particularly appalled to find that all the ladies were keeping their hats on indoors. Dear me, how common, he thought to himself.

Downstairs in the kitchen (I ask you, the kitchen!), a smiling lady – possibly the hostess – approached me, bearing a silver tray of sausage rolls (I ask you, sausage rolls!). Would I care to take one? I picked one up suspiciously, squeezed it, and then flung it back on the tray in disgust. “Eurgh, it’s cold! No thank you!”

My poor Mother was utterly mortified. Well, I’m sorry, but I had my standards, and cold sausage rolls served by ladies in hats in basement kitchens fell far below them.

At the age of ten, I was already too grand for royalty.

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