Questionnaire - Spring 2000

You ask, I answer.
Newest questions are at end of the page.

What's your favourite football team? and why?
Ipswich Town FC, because my sister used to be a fanatical supporter and it's rubbed off on me somewhat.

Who do you dislike most of the people you've asked for questions?
I haven't asked for questions from anyone I dislike.

Which root vegetable are you most like?
The potato, because I:
a) respond well to being buttered up.
b) am frequently mashed.

What is your favourite kind of jam?
Thick cut marmalade, if that counts.

Who would you most like to swap places with for a day?
Baroness Thatcher of Kesteven - I could then spend the day publicly apologising for everything I did while in power.

If the world was due to be destroyed by an asteroid next week, how would you spend your final days?
I'd dance and drink and screw - cos there's nothing else to do.
Failing that, I'd finish cataloguing my music collection.

Which famous dead person would you most like to have been and why?
Christopher Isherwood.  Berlin in the 1930s, California in the 1970s, a long and happy life, a handsome partner, a respectable cultural legacy and a portrait by Hockney.  Who could ask for more...

What do you believe will happen to you when you die?
My ashes will be scattered in the field known as Belvoir, at the foot of Giant's Hill, just outside the village of Cerne Abbas, Dorset.  It's in my will.

Doomed to listen to the same song for eternity, which one would it be?
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, because it contains about four separate songs and would therefore be less painful.  Also, I quite like singing along to it and pretending to be Freddie - although this might pall after a century or two.

Which member of Take That do you fancy most?
Jason Orange when he had the goatee (sadly, he turned out to have rather poor skin underneath).

When was the last time you stayed up all night and why?
My birthday weekend, February 2000 - clubbing in London, then an "all back to mine" at a friend's flat.  The tales I could tell!

Which 3 celebs would you most like to go to the pub with?
Madonna, John Peel and Anna from Big Brother.  We'd have a right good natter.

Does life have a guiding principle?
No, but it's quite a good idea if people form their own.

Who was your favourite English monarch?
King Canute - the only one of them ever to show a bit of humility.

What is your most ticklish area?
Just about everywhere.  I am HORRIBLY ticklish - so much so that I actually find it quite painful and distressing.

If you could appear in any Film or TV program, which one, what character and why?
I would be Sarah Jessica Parker's gay confidante in Sex And The City - and I'd do a much better job of it than that annoying bald guy with the thick specs.  Why?  Because Sex And The City is totally aspirational TV!

If music be the food of love, which song feeds your love?
Harvest For The World by the Isley Brothers.  The love in question being of the universal philanthropic kind, as opposed to the soppy romantic kind.

What was your childhood dream?
I wanted to be one of the beautiful people.  Popular, fashionable and free. Riding in an open top red sports car from my flat in the Barbican to the latest discotheque in Carnaby Street, in flowered shirt and flares.  Which is ironic, considering that I now share my life with Austin Powers...

What personality trait do you admire most in other people ?
The ability to be simultaneously true to themselves and to others around them.
Do you believe in the soul, and if so, what do you think happens to it after you die ?
I have a humanist belief in the soul.  The soul outlives the death of the body only by reference to the effect it has left upon the world during its lifetime - which is therefore, strictly speaking, finite.
Which film always makes you cry (or if you can't recall one in particular, then what was the last film you saw which made you cry) ?
A large number of films have made me cry.  Breakfast At Tiffanys always makes me cry a little, as does "Something Good" in The Sound Of Music.  The last film to make me cry was The Filth And The Fury, when John Lydon - quite unexpectedly and uncharacteristically - breaks down with tears of sorrow and anger over the death of Sid Vicious.  The scene in a film that has made me cry the most is the final funeral scene in Philadelphia - which rather annoys me in retrospect, as it's a massively flawed and deeply suspect film.
What is your favourite television advert? and why?
The Tango advert which starts with a man in an office replying to a customer complaint, and ends with him entering a boxing ring on the white cliffs of Dover.  Great idea, superbly paced, technically brilliant, and they even had the good taste to use "Don't You Want Me" by Felix on the soundtrack.
Which individual that you have met has left the most impression upon you? and why?
Omitting friends, lovers and family?  It would have to be Monica Mills, our class teacher at primary school when I was 7-8 years old.  A complete maverick (she'd never be allowed to get away with it these days) who digressed wildly from any notions of a standard curriculum, but who treated us like free-thinking sentient beings rather than mere receptacles for information.  To this day, I still mull over some of the ideas she raised for discussion.
What qualities do your various friends and associates have that are reflected in your own personality? and which do you like?
My friends and associates are too diverse a bunch for me to be able to answer this question in general terms.  Most people I meet reflect some qualities back at me that I can see in myself.  I suppose that the people I like must be the ones that reflect back qualities that I either like in myself, or qualities to which I aspire.
If you were force fed Viagra and told you had to have sex with a woman of your choice, who would it be?
Eek!
I'm afraid that it would have to be someone with short hair, a flat chest, and dressed as fully in possible in male clothing.  Sorry girls!  How about Hilary Swank playing Brandon Teena in the film "Boy's Don't Cry".
When did you last say "I love you' and not mean it?
Never, I don't think.  But I have sung it many times and not meant it.
If your house was burning down and you only had time to snatch one item from your music collection, what would it be? (No, you're not allowed to say your computer's hard drive.)
I could replace most of my collection on CD, so it would have to be something with sentimental value as an object.  The 7-inch single of "Dreaming" by Blondie.
Black or Brown?
Clothing, interiors, beer, toast, Cilla vs James - well gee, I guess it has to be brown then.
Lemon or Lime?
Gin and fish - lemon.
Thai green curry, and for those Nigella moments - lime.
But a life without either would be a hollow and joyless existence, would it not?
Pickles or Biscuits?
Pickles, every time.
What was your first significant sexual experience, and with whom did it happen?
It took place in Summer 1979. just after my 'A' levels, at boarding school in Cambridge.  Although discretion forbids me from naming the other chap involved, indiscretion does permits me to let slip that he was GORGEOUS.  However, the overall experience, though undeniably thrilling at the time, ultimately caused more pain than pleasure.
If you could lock one person up for life, who would it be and why?
I'd let Milosevic, Pinochet and Saddam Hussein play Jenga for it.
Do you think you take after either or both of your parents, and if so, in what ways?
Positive trait from my father - seeing the best in everybody.
Negative trait from my father - over-sensitivity.
Positive trait from my mother - good manners.
Negative trait from my mother - superiority. 
What personality trait do most dislike about yourself and why?
Defeatism.  I'm too willing to give in and take the soft option, rather than strive for higher achievements.
On a cloud with and a thunderbolt to...?
Playing the harp with Audrey Hepburn and zapping the Taliban.
What is the biggest crock of shit you have ever heard a celebrity come out with?
"I'd like to be a queen of people's hearts" - Princess Diana, 1995.  Hard to beat, innit?
If you could only ever visit one holiday destination again for the rest of your life, where would it be?
Our cottage near Ashbourne in the Derbyshire Peak District, where every weekend already feels like a holiday.
Lou Reed's made a  famous song out of a "Perfect Day". From dawn to dusk, describe yours.
Can I do dawn to dawn?  Oh, good...
Wake up next to Kevin in the cottage, bright and early, and miraculously hangover free.  Put on brand new clothes bought yesterday.  Breakfast - latte from the Francis Francis machine and fresh croissants from the village shop.  

Board helicopter, which takes us to London, landing on the roof of Tate Modern.  We have hired the building for the day, and spend a couple of hours viewing the exhibits on our own before our friends and family arrive for lunch (prepared by Shaun Hill from the Merchant House at Ludlow). 

After lunch, stroll along to the London Eye, which we have also hired.  Everyone sips vintage champagne as the wheel turns.  Next, we board a flotilla of balloons, which carry us over central London in the bright afternoon sunshine.  

Back on the ground, we are driven back to Tate Modern, where the stage has now been set up in the Turbine Hall.  Enjoy a performance of Steve Reich's "Music For 18 Musicians", played by the London Sinfonietta.  Dinner on the top floor (prepared by Marco Pierre White).  Stonking Burgundy with the meat course, as we watch the sunset.  

Back downstairs, where Madonna is ready to perform onstage - a specially choreographed brand new 3 hour show.  Backstage for drinks afterwards, and a damn good celebrity schmoozefest (gossip like you wouldn't believe!).  

Finally, dancing to dawn - Trevor Nelson does the first set of modern R&B, then some classic rare grooves from Norman Jay, chunky rhythms from Sister Bliss, an hour of Trade classics from Ian M, finishing with sing-along favourites from the Readers' Wives (of Duckie fame).  

Stroll over the Millennium Bridge as dawn breaks, then taxi to Hempels, where our suite awaits.  Collapse into deep sleep, as once again the toxins miraculously leave our bodies...

Beatles or Rolling Stones?
Beatles on points - particularly Rubber Soul, Revolver and the White Album.  Not so fussed about Sgt Pepper though.  If more Stones albums were on a par with Let It Bleed, it would have been a tougher choice.
What is your greatest fear?
I have rather too many, but the greatest is probably drowning.  This doesn't affect me at all when I'm on a boat (I love boating), but it has prevented me from learning to swim.  I have an irrational terror of taking my feet off the bottom of the pool, even in shallow water.
Which part of your body do you like the most, which do you dislike the most?
Cute bum, incipient beer belly.
What annual event marks time for you?
The Eurovision Song Contest.
If you weren't English, which nationality would you like to be and why?
Dutch.  Such a civilised nation, if you can ignore all the dogshit.
Schooldays are the best days of your life, true or false?
Totally and utterly false.  I consider surviving the misery I went through at boarding school (*) to be one of my greatest achievements.
(*) The Leys School in Cambridge.  Let's name names!  If you're a Leysian or ex-Leysian reading this, you have my heartfelt sympathy.
What is your favourite garment of all time?
Probably the classic Levis blue denim jacket - truly timeless.
Who should have won Eurovision 2001?
David Civera for Spain, with the fantastic Dile Que La Quiero.
Will you in Tallinn come?  Is nice.
I already have my flight booked to Helsinki for May 2002.  If we can get tickets for Eurovision, then we'll be coming over the water to Tallinn.  It's a city I've wanted to visit for a long time now, and this is the perfect excuse.
What musical instrument would you use to describe yourself and why?
The flute.  Easy to pick up and blow, but takes a lifetime to master.

any more questions?

home